Dear Melynda,
4 Days. That is all I have left and yet for some reason I can't seem to bring in to a close. I still wake up everyday and think of what I want to tell you. I think of stories to share, things that remind me of you, and all the things that make me sad about you being gone. None of those thoughts ever turn into words. I haven't been ready to wake up and not think about all those things. It is how I keep you around and close. So much for a month long project...huh!?
I just dropped off three of the most beautiful girls yesterday and it broke my heart. I love them so much. I loved being with them and wrapping my arms around them every night. Yes, it was terribly gut wrenching to have me hold them and not you, but I do feel grateful for the opportunity. I felt grateful for every hug and every tear they trusted me enough to share.
While your girls were here one night to we went to a carnival. I was there rushing around with six kids trying to make sure none of them were lost or wandered off. Right as the sun was setting we were heading to the car. The parking lot was almost empty and us seven were pretty much alone. The kids all ran off together and then I was alone. I did the strangest thing. Standing there watching your girls run up the hill, all smiles and being as silly as they can, I turned to say something to you about them. When I turned smiling at my own thought and ready to share them with you I realized you weren't there it was one of those heart squeezing moments. Similar to about a month ago when I picked up the phone and pushed "talk" only to remember that you wouldn't answer (no matter how many times I called). I felt so lonely. I could feel the weight on me of how things have changed now and won't ever be the same.
Now that summer is here that is what my mind is constantly flipping to last summer. All those lazy days around the house, going shopping, sewing, Harry Potter movies, spending the morning laying in your bed talking while the kids played, swimming, and looking for days for dresses for the wedding. Going to the Brown's house together on the last night I saw you. Chatting with you and saying "goodbye". That one last hug, one last wave. One last look. I miss how we could not talk for a month or see each other for half a year but as soon as we were together we would just fall into "our thing" like we hadn't skipped a beat. Like 2000 miles didn't separate us. But the space that separates us now can feel so heavy at times and others not so much. I miss you. I love you.
Love, Lar
