Dear Melynda,
Do you remember us talking about how lucky we were to end up with the Hubbies we have. For all the chaos that our family went through we were all blessed to settle down with spouses who have pretty normal, supportive families. I have really been able to feel that love over the past few weeks from my own family. I have especially marveled at my husband. He doesn't understand all the inner turmoil that is going on. I remember reading a quote from another lady who had lost a sibling. She spoke of how aggravating it can become when everyone around her would become afraid to talk to her especially about the death of her brother. She knew that they were afraid that talking about it would bring more pain but then she went on to say, "it is all I was ever thinking about so to be able to talk about it was a relief." It isn't a wish we have that is just how it is. Your mind is consumed with it. Even while you go about your lovely days there is always a film going on in the back of you mind playing a different part of the same show. There are very few times that I truly forget. Then when it all comes rushing back it is almost crushing. It is almost better to stay submerged where you can constantly manage it instead of be overwhelmed by it.
Anyway I had made a choice not to make this the center of conversation in my household. It is natural and wonderful to talk about you especially with my kids and it is fun when Chris and I start to reminiscence and laugh about all our memories of you. He still thinks it is funny that you are still mad at him for siding with me when we planned our wedding. You two will have to work it out someday. I know he doesn't understand that this is a constant battle so when I start to crack a little or I just need him to be a sounding board he is always there. He just lets me rant about my newest discoveries or insight. I am waiting for the day when he says, "Just be quiet already. You are such a downer!" He hasn't though. Lucky me.
This had me thinking about your Dave. We always used to compare how much a like and different they are. One thing we would often discuss was how the both of them would do pretty much anything for us. Definitely Dave more than Chris we agreed upon. I have yet to see what you couldn't talk Dave into doing. I think when he agreed to help you make a duct tape mannequin your size, so you could put the clothes you sewed onto it instead of trying them on yourself, I knew he would do anything for you. I have never met two people like you. Passionate. You passionately loved and passionately disagreed. I love to watch him melt your anger with his charm. He was such a schmoozer. He knows it too.
I remember having family dinner with you, me, Maya, and Dave when I lived with you. He had this scheme going on in his head. I don't know if you put him up to it. He tried to make a bet with me to not date anyone for the first year I went to college. He was completely serious and I didn't know what to say. I had just met Chris after all and I already had a really good feeling about where that was going. I don't think he had met him yet.
I am grateful for the impact that you both have had on my life. I know that I have told you this before but it really was the two of you that made me decide who I wanted to be. After seeing your happiness and devotion to each other I really wanted that life. Thanks for always being the example. You are a great big sister. I am grateful Heavenly Father is in charge. He knew we all needed you to look up to. We still are...literally. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Day 8
Abbi, Melynda, Kate, Macie
Dear Melynda,
Well, no, the anger hasn't passed. You were always so good at smiling away the bad. I think it may be my friend for awhile. Don't worry though I don't go around yelling at everyone. I don't let it out when others are around. I know it would do no good only make me feel worse. I am, however, letting myself be angry and okay with it. I just have times were I find my self alone, and all the niceties of life have left me, and all my memories of the past two months (I can't believe it has been that long) come rushing back. I feel like I am suffocating. I am often taken off guard by how strong and difficult each emotion that is thrown at me is.
Today I was feeling particularly swallowed up by it all when I was teaching preschool for Carter class. I began thinking about how behind I am on teaching him and Kate. I really need to get with the program. Before I came out this summer you had told me you made all of these packets for the girls when you were trying to teach them how to read. You said you would pass them along to me so I could use them with my kiddos. We completely forgot about it. What can we say we were having fun not thinking of school! Now, however, I would give my left arm for those. I remember the hours and hours of time you put into creating, cutting, and laminating each one. I was always so impressed one: with your drive; and two: and your strong dedication to teaching as much to your children at home as they learned at school. When each one of them struggled with a particular subject you made it your personal mission to get them through it. I remember many phone calls of worry when one of them was struggling. They have carried that on and have been so diligent in all they do. I remember when I was staying with you the summer you had your stroke Maya and Macie would come home and get right to their homework. I LOVED it! I find my heart and prayers full of thanksgiving that you raised those girls to be so self sufficient and taught them so well. They had lots of practice during the past two and a half years since your stroke to learn to do things on their own. I don't think any of us could see how much they would need it. Thank you for being the type of woman and mother that could be inspired, would listen, and do it. There are so many things that I look back on your life and I can see how you were pushed to do things that would now bring us comfort. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to learn the things I need to. Thanks for being my teacher as much as anyone else. I am grateful I had a front row seat to it all. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Friday, February 24, 2012
Day 7
Dear Melynda,
Do you remember the time you were driving up to North Ogden to visit when I was in High School. You were driving in the Saturn (that would later become my precious baby) and you were blasting Dixie Chicks. Well of course that old thing doesn't have curse control and you were pulled over doing 94 in a 65. You put on your best charm, smiled and laughed and tried to talk the officer out of it but you end up with a hundred and something dollar ticket. David was much more smitten with your charm and wasn't mad. You always had a way with him.
I remember when you first introduced me to country music. Garth Brooks it was. We listened to it all summer long. I was hooked. I went back to Junior High a new girls. Much better than all the old stuff I listened to before. I honestly think it was your secret plan all along.
Listening to music was one of my favorite things that we did together. When I was staying at your house during the funeral I was reminiscing with Dave about how you both had introduced me to so much good music. Probably the most significant was Frank Sinatra (I think I still have your CD). Now everyday when I turn on Pandora I find myself getting lost in every Michael Buble song I can. I am not very hard core but it does remind me of all those cleaning days at your house blasting Frank as we would work in the house and around in the yard as we would sing and dance our way around the house. I was so impressed with how much your girls loved it and how so often Dave would pull you aside and you two would start dancing in the kitchen or living room. That is something that I have taken into my home. Music, good music, brings you together. I would have to say that one of our family favorite activities is to blare some music and dance and that is the only way I can get my kiddos to clean.
Do you remember listening to Taylor Swift ALL summer long this summer? Every time we turned on the car our girls would beg for it and we would of course oblige. Mostly because everyone knew all the words so we could all singing it together at the top of our lungs. When we came back to Maryland we missed it so much my kids and I went out and bought one for us and guess what we listen to almost every time we are in the care. Chris just shakes his had every time Carter as to listen to "Baby Just Say Yes" as he calls it.
See how much you have affected me! You have taught me more than you know. It is things like this that will always keep you with me. I would consider it a tender mercy.
I am grateful for them all. Grateful the Lord in all is infinite wisdom gave us all the time we had together. Till we dance again. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Day 6
Dear Melynda,
I have to be honest I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me. I guess I always figured that people who had lost someone one close to them knew how to mourn and understood how they felt. The only thing I really feel most of the time is confusion. I do feel very grateful because in this time of confusion I sit back and wonder how those without the gospel get by when something like this comes along. I am very aware that throughout human kind people have died and will continue to die. I have marveled even more at my own ignorance of it and what others have been going through. That probably doesn't make sense. I just feel like a whole new world is opened up to me now. I consider it a true bitter-sweet situation. I rejoice for the things that I have learned. I am grateful to have gained a deeper understanding and value for all things. I am thankful that I truly feel like I could mourn with those that mourn but with all that knowledge comes a heavy price. I have been clinging to this video I watch the other day about forgiveness. I actually met the man in it over the summer but didn't recognize him until later. I knew of his situation and his great loss but I never knew it would be his words that I would cling to now. The part that has stuck with me the most is how he explains that we need to merely allow the Savior to shine through us and we can do anything. Then he follows up later with these words, "I am grateful that the Lord allows tragedy and trials to happen". I have thought and thought and thought some more about that over these past few days. I have sought understanding because those are hard words to swallow. I can now say that I can feel a sliver of that truth in me. There is a part of me that understands there is a greater purpose at work. This isn't really it for any of us. It is these trials and tragedies that prepare us for returning to our Father in Heaven. They are what ensure that we will be ready for that day. Without our struggles we would never need to pray, we would never ask for help, we would never be humble enough to listen for the Holy Ghost. We would completely give over to the "natural man". It is these things that bring us to our knees and remind us that we are meant for more than what we have become. I don't know if that is what he meant but that is what I have taken away from it.
I think besides mourning my own loss I have had as much trouble mourning my children's loss over you. I know Jayanne has said as much, too. If you had just been a crappy aunt all our children would say good riddance but you weren't. :) You made each of them feel special. They weren't a collective whole of nieces and nephews to you. Each one was special to you and they knew it. They all had their things they did with you. It would be safe to say that Carter spent the eighth and ninth month of his life riding around on your lap in your wheel chair while I helped around the house. Josalyn pretty much did the same thing this last summer in June. Then there is Kate. She misses you so much. She is also our greatest reminder of you. She always reassures as when we are feeling sad about you that we will see you again on "spirit day" as she calls it.
I always loved when Kate would spend time with you. I love to watch what you would bring out in her. I felt like when I watched the two of you together I would learn knew things about my daughter. I will always remember (and miss the most) when we would first arrive in Utah after along time away my kids would walk in the room and you would yell, "Kate!" and throw your arms open for a big hug. She would beam and run to you. She knew she was special to you. Then when Carter wasn't so gun-ho about this lively reception you would make it your personal mission to be the favorite person. It worked...a lot.
At your funeral I shared the story of the marshmallows with everyone there. When we came to Utah this summer my Carter was very reluctant to reach out to anyone. He was really scared of everyone around him. He hadn't seen most of you since he was nine months old. Like always it became your personal mission to make him love you. You would roll in the door and give him your loud, "Carter" with waiting, open arms and he would run the other way. I remember the day that you came into Grandma's house and a similar scenario played out like it had many times before. Then as Carter ran away you said, "Carter I have a surprise for you." This lured him back into the room. Out of your purse you pulled a bag of marsh mallows. He came over and took a few and within a few minutes you had him sitting on your lap eating marshmallows out of your hand. Grandma was just a little jealous. When she told you as much you shared the newly discovered secret about Carter's weakness for marshmallows with her (and anyone else who needed the help with him) and she soon started doing the same thing. What impressed me the most was that you started to carry marshmallows with you everywhere you went so that if the need arose you could entice him back into you lap with your secret weapon. There aren't words to express what it meant to me that you would go to such lengths to love my son. To help him feel safe. Most of all to have such a desire to have a relationship with him. I think many would have turned and said, "oh well he's hopeless."
I know I can't ever replace you but I do hope to learn from you and be better like you. To show more love and concern especially for those who need it most. It is easy to throw in the towel when things seem tough or unconquerable, but you have shown me that you can to anything with perseverance. You are pretty tenacious. I miss you! I love you!
Love, Laurin
I have to be honest I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me. I guess I always figured that people who had lost someone one close to them knew how to mourn and understood how they felt. The only thing I really feel most of the time is confusion. I do feel very grateful because in this time of confusion I sit back and wonder how those without the gospel get by when something like this comes along. I am very aware that throughout human kind people have died and will continue to die. I have marveled even more at my own ignorance of it and what others have been going through. That probably doesn't make sense. I just feel like a whole new world is opened up to me now. I consider it a true bitter-sweet situation. I rejoice for the things that I have learned. I am grateful to have gained a deeper understanding and value for all things. I am thankful that I truly feel like I could mourn with those that mourn but with all that knowledge comes a heavy price. I have been clinging to this video I watch the other day about forgiveness. I actually met the man in it over the summer but didn't recognize him until later. I knew of his situation and his great loss but I never knew it would be his words that I would cling to now. The part that has stuck with me the most is how he explains that we need to merely allow the Savior to shine through us and we can do anything. Then he follows up later with these words, "I am grateful that the Lord allows tragedy and trials to happen". I have thought and thought and thought some more about that over these past few days. I have sought understanding because those are hard words to swallow. I can now say that I can feel a sliver of that truth in me. There is a part of me that understands there is a greater purpose at work. This isn't really it for any of us. It is these trials and tragedies that prepare us for returning to our Father in Heaven. They are what ensure that we will be ready for that day. Without our struggles we would never need to pray, we would never ask for help, we would never be humble enough to listen for the Holy Ghost. We would completely give over to the "natural man". It is these things that bring us to our knees and remind us that we are meant for more than what we have become. I don't know if that is what he meant but that is what I have taken away from it.
I think besides mourning my own loss I have had as much trouble mourning my children's loss over you. I know Jayanne has said as much, too. If you had just been a crappy aunt all our children would say good riddance but you weren't. :) You made each of them feel special. They weren't a collective whole of nieces and nephews to you. Each one was special to you and they knew it. They all had their things they did with you. It would be safe to say that Carter spent the eighth and ninth month of his life riding around on your lap in your wheel chair while I helped around the house. Josalyn pretty much did the same thing this last summer in June. Then there is Kate. She misses you so much. She is also our greatest reminder of you. She always reassures as when we are feeling sad about you that we will see you again on "spirit day" as she calls it.
I always loved when Kate would spend time with you. I love to watch what you would bring out in her. I felt like when I watched the two of you together I would learn knew things about my daughter. I will always remember (and miss the most) when we would first arrive in Utah after along time away my kids would walk in the room and you would yell, "Kate!" and throw your arms open for a big hug. She would beam and run to you. She knew she was special to you. Then when Carter wasn't so gun-ho about this lively reception you would make it your personal mission to be the favorite person. It worked...a lot.
At your funeral I shared the story of the marshmallows with everyone there. When we came to Utah this summer my Carter was very reluctant to reach out to anyone. He was really scared of everyone around him. He hadn't seen most of you since he was nine months old. Like always it became your personal mission to make him love you. You would roll in the door and give him your loud, "Carter" with waiting, open arms and he would run the other way. I remember the day that you came into Grandma's house and a similar scenario played out like it had many times before. Then as Carter ran away you said, "Carter I have a surprise for you." This lured him back into the room. Out of your purse you pulled a bag of marsh mallows. He came over and took a few and within a few minutes you had him sitting on your lap eating marshmallows out of your hand. Grandma was just a little jealous. When she told you as much you shared the newly discovered secret about Carter's weakness for marshmallows with her (and anyone else who needed the help with him) and she soon started doing the same thing. What impressed me the most was that you started to carry marshmallows with you everywhere you went so that if the need arose you could entice him back into you lap with your secret weapon. There aren't words to express what it meant to me that you would go to such lengths to love my son. To help him feel safe. Most of all to have such a desire to have a relationship with him. I think many would have turned and said, "oh well he's hopeless."
I know I can't ever replace you but I do hope to learn from you and be better like you. To show more love and concern especially for those who need it most. It is easy to throw in the towel when things seem tough or unconquerable, but you have shown me that you can to anything with perseverance. You are pretty tenacious. I miss you! I love you!
Love, Laurin
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Day 5
Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)
Dear Melynda,
Today was a baaaddd day! I woke up angry. I was probably angry in the first place because my three year old spent the entire night in my room sick and his medicine that he takes to help him makes him bounce off the walls. No one should be bouncing off anything in my room at 2 am. I woke up mad at life. Not anything or anyone in particular just mad that things are the way they are and mostly that I can't change a darn thing! Luckily for me Chris has made it a point to keep me stocked up on flowers so they have brought some cheer into this home. I know I have told you this but winter here stinks! It is almost always cloudy. I miss those awesome St. George winters when the sun would shine and we would start swimming in the Thomas' pool in April or May. Or if we were crazy even sooner! The weather isn't helping here. It really came to a head for me, today, when I had to title my photo file as "Mel's Funeral". I know my anger is only because sometimes it is easier to be angry at something (or nothing) than sad about you.
Well I have to be honest beside you, my kids, my hubby your girls are always on my mind. Not to mention your sweet husband. I miss them. I worry for them. The most heartbreaking thing for me is that all I want to do is smother them in motherly love but I can't. I honestly can feel my arms aching to hold them. Partly because I love them dearly because when they were born I was there to help you take care of them and love on them. Now that you are gone I feel an even deeper desire to be there to hold them. I also have this achy feeling because I know if this situation were reversed that that is where you would be. I remember our conversation on this very subject. I remember talking it over with you. It is one of those conversation you have to talk about, but pray that at the same time you are speaking those words they never come to fruition.
Why may you ask do I know this about you. How do I know you would be there to be super mom to my kids well the best example is this summer. You took Kate and Carter for the weekend so Chris and I could go on a little over night trip to Park City. You said everything went great until Kate came into your around 11:00 saying she had a bad dream. You told her to climb on in you bed just like you would with your own kiddos. You soon found out about my Kate. She doesn't just snuggle she SNUGGLES! She can't be next to you she has to be on top of you. You said you spent the remainder of the night with Kate's head bouncing up and down on your chest looking for, as you put it, "a pillow that wasn't there" because you don't have those like I do. I have troubling making it through nights like but you treated her like your own. I know she feels close to you and loved you especially that night because you were a comfort to her like I would have been.
The questions that runs through my mind at least half the day is what do I do for them, what do I do for them....???
I really don't know but someone said something very kind to me the other day. She reminded me that me and Jayanne are probably the closest people that are like you. I thought about that and for some reason it gave me hope. We know you. We really do. Especially when it comes to being a mom. We can't now, and never will, fill your shoes. They are way too big and I don't want to. I do hope that maybe a little of you rubbed off on me so that they can see something good in me that is like you. Then they might feel closer to you. I miss you, I love you!
Love, Laurin
Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.
Dear Melynda,
Today was a baaaddd day! I woke up angry. I was probably angry in the first place because my three year old spent the entire night in my room sick and his medicine that he takes to help him makes him bounce off the walls. No one should be bouncing off anything in my room at 2 am. I woke up mad at life. Not anything or anyone in particular just mad that things are the way they are and mostly that I can't change a darn thing! Luckily for me Chris has made it a point to keep me stocked up on flowers so they have brought some cheer into this home. I know I have told you this but winter here stinks! It is almost always cloudy. I miss those awesome St. George winters when the sun would shine and we would start swimming in the Thomas' pool in April or May. Or if we were crazy even sooner! The weather isn't helping here. It really came to a head for me, today, when I had to title my photo file as "Mel's Funeral". I know my anger is only because sometimes it is easier to be angry at something (or nothing) than sad about you.
Well I have to be honest beside you, my kids, my hubby your girls are always on my mind. Not to mention your sweet husband. I miss them. I worry for them. The most heartbreaking thing for me is that all I want to do is smother them in motherly love but I can't. I honestly can feel my arms aching to hold them. Partly because I love them dearly because when they were born I was there to help you take care of them and love on them. Now that you are gone I feel an even deeper desire to be there to hold them. I also have this achy feeling because I know if this situation were reversed that that is where you would be. I remember our conversation on this very subject. I remember talking it over with you. It is one of those conversation you have to talk about, but pray that at the same time you are speaking those words they never come to fruition.
Why may you ask do I know this about you. How do I know you would be there to be super mom to my kids well the best example is this summer. You took Kate and Carter for the weekend so Chris and I could go on a little over night trip to Park City. You said everything went great until Kate came into your around 11:00 saying she had a bad dream. You told her to climb on in you bed just like you would with your own kiddos. You soon found out about my Kate. She doesn't just snuggle she SNUGGLES! She can't be next to you she has to be on top of you. You said you spent the remainder of the night with Kate's head bouncing up and down on your chest looking for, as you put it, "a pillow that wasn't there" because you don't have those like I do. I have troubling making it through nights like but you treated her like your own. I know she feels close to you and loved you especially that night because you were a comfort to her like I would have been.
The questions that runs through my mind at least half the day is what do I do for them, what do I do for them....???
I really don't know but someone said something very kind to me the other day. She reminded me that me and Jayanne are probably the closest people that are like you. I thought about that and for some reason it gave me hope. We know you. We really do. Especially when it comes to being a mom. We can't now, and never will, fill your shoes. They are way too big and I don't want to. I do hope that maybe a little of you rubbed off on me so that they can see something good in me that is like you. Then they might feel closer to you. I miss you, I love you!
Love, Laurin
Monday, February 20, 2012
Day 4
Dear Melynda,
Today at the dinner table I asked everyone a memory that they had of you. Chris quick rebuttle was, "Melynda could never do anything easy. She was always fancy." I think he was referring to our food on our family camping trip. Then Kate piped up and said, "that is what I like most about Melynda she was always fancy." She said it with a great amount of pride. I know right now if I was telling you this and Chris was there you would follow up with a big laugh, slap Chris on the should and say, "ahhh Chrissseee". That is what you always called him when you were trying to break through his tough exterior.
You are fancy or maybe another word is classy. I remember one of my friends making such a comment about you when they first met you. I think you learned most of it from Grandma Smith and I fear greatly that this is not something that is going to be past along in our family. We are all simple people.
I remember after you were married and Maya was born you really got into cooking and trying new foods. I have been there for some good and not-so-good first timers. It was so neat to see how you took to cooking. This is were I think your fancy side really took flight. You had many passions but there was nothing that could get you going like cooking. It is not like you planned simple meatloaf meals. Most of the time you made your own recipes. Like when I visiting you a month and a half after your stroke and you started making regular strawberry jam just like Grandma Smith had taught with all of Grandma Rousell's secrets thrown in to make it work just right. I thought you were crazy! Here you are in a wheel car with only one arm working canning. I know it kept you sane. You couldn't stop at jam you then created and mastered your own recipe for peach, mango salsa. It was amazing. When I went to write the recipe for you, though, you couldn't remember measurements because that wasn't how you cooked. You cooked to taste. I can still remember the first time you cooked at my house and I carefully measured out each ingredient. You thought I was the most misguided creature to ever roam the earth. At least that is what the look on your face told me. I still do to this day but I promise someday I will throw all those measuring cups away, or at least bury them in a cupboard somewhere, and give "real" cooking a try...not yet though.
I remember our wonderful family camping trip this year. I was pretty content to eating a can of chili for dinner each night and cold cereal in the morning. S'mores are the only necessity in my camping gear. I can't say that I know what ignites you need for good, fancy food but you wouldn't hear of it. Needless to say those were some good meals.
Probably my most memorable memory of you and food is when you visited me after I had Carter. This is when I realized that good, fancy food was second nature to you. It was like a good friend you always wanted it to be around. I had been going through really difficult postpartum depression and as soon as you heard you were here. At the end of one particularly long day when we had been out site seeing I told you all I wanted to do was lay in bed and go to sleep. You said, "okay I am going to go whip up some biscotti and hot chocolate for you." I felt super sheepish. I didn't even know what that decadent word meant and now you were just going to go and whip it up. I can still see you in my kitchen working in there like it was nothing foreign to you. You were really enjoying yourself. Then you came upstairs with the warm hot chocolate and biscotti for me to give a try. Then you sat next to me and played with my hair until I fell asleep.
I think I realize that many of the things you were so interested you did for other people because became away for you to give something to them just from you. You loved making people happy with what you created. As it was attested to at you funeral you created a lot of things that have now become lasting treasures.
I miss you and your fancy self. They way you cook, dress, decorate, and just how it is in everything you do. I think your girls have a lot of it flowing through them. They don't just settled for the mundane and easy. They like things to be just how they want. As decadent as they desire. You should see what Maya can do with duct tape. She is surely your daughter. I miss you. I love you.
Love, Laurin
Today at the dinner table I asked everyone a memory that they had of you. Chris quick rebuttle was, "Melynda could never do anything easy. She was always fancy." I think he was referring to our food on our family camping trip. Then Kate piped up and said, "that is what I like most about Melynda she was always fancy." She said it with a great amount of pride. I know right now if I was telling you this and Chris was there you would follow up with a big laugh, slap Chris on the should and say, "ahhh Chrissseee". That is what you always called him when you were trying to break through his tough exterior.
You are fancy or maybe another word is classy. I remember one of my friends making such a comment about you when they first met you. I think you learned most of it from Grandma Smith and I fear greatly that this is not something that is going to be past along in our family. We are all simple people.
I remember after you were married and Maya was born you really got into cooking and trying new foods. I have been there for some good and not-so-good first timers. It was so neat to see how you took to cooking. This is were I think your fancy side really took flight. You had many passions but there was nothing that could get you going like cooking. It is not like you planned simple meatloaf meals. Most of the time you made your own recipes. Like when I visiting you a month and a half after your stroke and you started making regular strawberry jam just like Grandma Smith had taught with all of Grandma Rousell's secrets thrown in to make it work just right. I thought you were crazy! Here you are in a wheel car with only one arm working canning. I know it kept you sane. You couldn't stop at jam you then created and mastered your own recipe for peach, mango salsa. It was amazing. When I went to write the recipe for you, though, you couldn't remember measurements because that wasn't how you cooked. You cooked to taste. I can still remember the first time you cooked at my house and I carefully measured out each ingredient. You thought I was the most misguided creature to ever roam the earth. At least that is what the look on your face told me. I still do to this day but I promise someday I will throw all those measuring cups away, or at least bury them in a cupboard somewhere, and give "real" cooking a try...not yet though.
I remember our wonderful family camping trip this year. I was pretty content to eating a can of chili for dinner each night and cold cereal in the morning. S'mores are the only necessity in my camping gear. I can't say that I know what ignites you need for good, fancy food but you wouldn't hear of it. Needless to say those were some good meals.
Probably my most memorable memory of you and food is when you visited me after I had Carter. This is when I realized that good, fancy food was second nature to you. It was like a good friend you always wanted it to be around. I had been going through really difficult postpartum depression and as soon as you heard you were here. At the end of one particularly long day when we had been out site seeing I told you all I wanted to do was lay in bed and go to sleep. You said, "okay I am going to go whip up some biscotti and hot chocolate for you." I felt super sheepish. I didn't even know what that decadent word meant and now you were just going to go and whip it up. I can still see you in my kitchen working in there like it was nothing foreign to you. You were really enjoying yourself. Then you came upstairs with the warm hot chocolate and biscotti for me to give a try. Then you sat next to me and played with my hair until I fell asleep.
I think I realize that many of the things you were so interested you did for other people because became away for you to give something to them just from you. You loved making people happy with what you created. As it was attested to at you funeral you created a lot of things that have now become lasting treasures.
I miss you and your fancy self. They way you cook, dress, decorate, and just how it is in everything you do. I think your girls have a lot of it flowing through them. They don't just settled for the mundane and easy. They like things to be just how they want. As decadent as they desire. You should see what Maya can do with duct tape. She is surely your daughter. I miss you. I love you.
Love, Laurin
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Day 3
Dear Melynda,
This weekend I had to prepare my primary lesson for my little Valiant four and five year old. I love teaching them. Before you were gone when talk to my children patiently or make a deal with them like you would always do I would think about how well you taught me to talk and reason with my children. How lucky I was to live with you and be able to learn from your example on a daily basis. Now though while the feelings of you are so fresh and raw thoughts of you transcend everything I do. Even my dreams. I pray each night for a peaceful rest but if any slight moment of consciousness seeps in it is like a movie is flipped on in my head and you are star each night and that sick stabbing feelings always accompanies it. I am not complaining though. I know this is a short moment in time for me. I always try to think about Elder Packer's talk about loosing loved ones and that basically we will grieve for that person as deeply as we loved them, so I consider grieving for you a blessing because I know I loved you. After your funeral our cousin, Alex, who has been mourning Garrett's loss for almost a year...time flies...said it was a "beautiful experience". I have clung to that and have really sought out the beauty in all of this. I guess, as of right now, the beauty has come from my dependence on Heavenly Father and my new found prayers. I don't just thank and ask anymore. I talk, listen, plead...I really pray. I find beauty in my new love for life. Not the great exciting things but the small insignificant things. Just getting up each day. That whole mumbled "Lord I thank you for a new day" has brought new meaning and understanding. I don't fear death but I appreciate being given a new day to grow and learn more. To spend time with my children and become more prepared to return to Him. I have become more aware that life does end, but this really isn't the "main attraction" this is just the "side act" to get us to where we really want to be. I am sure as I continue down this road I will find more beauty among this tragedy. I know I have told you this before but thank you for being the one to teach our family. Time and time again I have felt like when we were in line in Heaven and Heavenly Father was handing out every raw deal he could you said "well what good will come from it?". He said, "Well it will help your family for such and such reasons". Your reply, "Okay I'll do it!" I know tough things bring blessing and I know you have expressed your gratitude before that life hasn't been easy. None of us would be who we are without it. I have never been more proud of our misconstrued-siblling-lead family than at your funeral. It is phenomenal what the Lord does with us. It is not us, it is just us allowing him to take part in our life.
So as I was preparing to teach my kiddos in Primary thoughts of you were there, as always and it reminded me of when you were a teacher in Young Women. I was visit on a Sunday you had to teach. You told me the lesson was on choosing good media to watch and listen to. I told you this gross story I had heard. It was about how during a movie someone had taken the reels of a pig being butchered and added it into every other frame of the movie. The people in the theater didn't even know what they were watching but some of them started getting sick to their stomach, vomiting and leaving. (I think at the time I believed it was true but now I have my doubts.) To my surprise on Sunday you shared this story with all of your YW. You gave it your all when explaining, as you always do. You totally grossed them out! And scared them straight I am sure. I always think back to how funny it was because you were so into it and they were staring at you like "I can't believe she is saying this". You were such a good teacher (and story teller). You loved those girls and just like any one you love you gave them your all. I love you, I miss you.
Love, Laurin
This weekend I had to prepare my primary lesson for my little Valiant four and five year old. I love teaching them. Before you were gone when talk to my children patiently or make a deal with them like you would always do I would think about how well you taught me to talk and reason with my children. How lucky I was to live with you and be able to learn from your example on a daily basis. Now though while the feelings of you are so fresh and raw thoughts of you transcend everything I do. Even my dreams. I pray each night for a peaceful rest but if any slight moment of consciousness seeps in it is like a movie is flipped on in my head and you are star each night and that sick stabbing feelings always accompanies it. I am not complaining though. I know this is a short moment in time for me. I always try to think about Elder Packer's talk about loosing loved ones and that basically we will grieve for that person as deeply as we loved them, so I consider grieving for you a blessing because I know I loved you. After your funeral our cousin, Alex, who has been mourning Garrett's loss for almost a year...time flies...said it was a "beautiful experience". I have clung to that and have really sought out the beauty in all of this. I guess, as of right now, the beauty has come from my dependence on Heavenly Father and my new found prayers. I don't just thank and ask anymore. I talk, listen, plead...I really pray. I find beauty in my new love for life. Not the great exciting things but the small insignificant things. Just getting up each day. That whole mumbled "Lord I thank you for a new day" has brought new meaning and understanding. I don't fear death but I appreciate being given a new day to grow and learn more. To spend time with my children and become more prepared to return to Him. I have become more aware that life does end, but this really isn't the "main attraction" this is just the "side act" to get us to where we really want to be. I am sure as I continue down this road I will find more beauty among this tragedy. I know I have told you this before but thank you for being the one to teach our family. Time and time again I have felt like when we were in line in Heaven and Heavenly Father was handing out every raw deal he could you said "well what good will come from it?". He said, "Well it will help your family for such and such reasons". Your reply, "Okay I'll do it!" I know tough things bring blessing and I know you have expressed your gratitude before that life hasn't been easy. None of us would be who we are without it. I have never been more proud of our misconstrued-siblling-lead family than at your funeral. It is phenomenal what the Lord does with us. It is not us, it is just us allowing him to take part in our life.
So as I was preparing to teach my kiddos in Primary thoughts of you were there, as always and it reminded me of when you were a teacher in Young Women. I was visit on a Sunday you had to teach. You told me the lesson was on choosing good media to watch and listen to. I told you this gross story I had heard. It was about how during a movie someone had taken the reels of a pig being butchered and added it into every other frame of the movie. The people in the theater didn't even know what they were watching but some of them started getting sick to their stomach, vomiting and leaving. (I think at the time I believed it was true but now I have my doubts.) To my surprise on Sunday you shared this story with all of your YW. You gave it your all when explaining, as you always do. You totally grossed them out! And scared them straight I am sure. I always think back to how funny it was because you were so into it and they were staring at you like "I can't believe she is saying this". You were such a good teacher (and story teller). You loved those girls and just like any one you love you gave them your all. I love you, I miss you.
Love, Laurin
Friday, February 17, 2012
Day 2
Dear Melynda,
To say I have had memory block would be a big understatement. I have had such a hard time remembering all the things we have done together over the past 27 years. I was supposed to speak at your funeral but I was having such a hard time thinking straight that instead I decided to pass that wonderful honor onto someone else and gave a shorter tribute. I spoke on how service oriented your life has been and how your girls have learned from you. I will have to tell you more about it another time. Today though as I am beginning trying to fill this blog with all of my memories of you my mind has been full and swimming. I have found it hard but also I have felt so much gratitude for all the cherished memories I have with you. Some of them good and some of them bad. Tonight I want to remember one that feels the most special to me and one of the most sacred experiences of my life.
I remember when I was pregnant with Kate I had a conversation with you on how I wanted to have her naturally without an epidural. You told me I was crazy. I remember being so mad at you because you thought I couldn't do it and I remember you being mad at me because I wouldn't listen to you. Needless to say we didn't talk for a couple of weeks. Then a few months later Chris received the call that he got his job that he had been applying for for over a year and that he would leave in two weeks to go into training for three months. I was eight months pregnant. I was devastated. How was I going to give birth for the the first time and raise this daughter alone for two months without him. It was a no brainer. I knew you would help. I immediately asked you, Jayanne, and grandma Smith to be there with me when she was born. I felt safe with you three around me and knew you would make up where I was lacking. I remember the Sunday afternoon, three weeks after Chris had left, you and Jay drove me to the hospital because I was having severe headaches. I remember being super nervous because my blood pressure was going up so high and they weren't sure why. We were sitting in the same room that I visited you in the morning you went in to have Abbi and now I was there and you were holding my hand to be there for the birth of my daughter. You and Jay sat and talked and laughed with me. You held my hand the whole time. I think you were more excited that I was. Then the nurse came in to check me and you and Jay both stayed. I had no dignity left anyway. Then she told us that I was going to be induced that night. I was freaked out. All I can remember is your smile...you were excited. After they got me settled into my room I remember you, grandma, and Jayanne all sitting there looking at me expectantly like something was supposed to happen. Me feeling really confused because I had no idea what was going to happen and then the nurse coming in and reminding you all that this was going to take awhile so you should probably go get some rest. I was so glad when you decided to stay. You sat in that awful chair all night. Once I felt the contraction coming on they came in with the epidural. You were right the contractions were terrible. I didn't last very long. Then I took a nap. I remember around 4:00 am you whipping out your deck of playing cards. You always tried to keep things fun and light. Just as you were handing out the deck the nurse came in again to check me. The two of you kept chatting as she checked just like two old friends. Then after a minute, when she was done checking me, she looked at me and said it is time to push. I started shaking uncontrollably. I just didn't realize it would happen so fast. I thought I had more time to wait it out, but you were there. You held my leg and helped count. Kept telling me I could do it. I only pushed twice and her head was crowning. They were on the phone with doctor and you were on the phone telling everyone to get there fast.
After having experienced a birth with my sisters, my husband, and one unexpectedly alone I have to say there is nothing else like sharing that with you. Someone who knows and who has been down that road already. There was no wise cracks or feelings of being unsure how to help. You and Jay knew exactly what to do and how to reassure me. My best memory is of you and Jay standing around me trying to teach me how to nurse. You both telling me hold it this way and move her head that way. I was really bad but you both stuck with it.
The only hard part in all of that hospital stay was when we were trying to decide who would play "father" and stay at the hospital with me....so you both stayed. I remember the Doctor Lunt walking in and seeing Jayanne in the sleeper chair with Jayci in her arms, me in my bed with Kate's bed rolled up next to me, and you laying on a roll away bed. He said, "Wow! There are way more people in this room than there was intended to be". You gave your famous laugh to tell him how silly he was being and that was that.
I felt so protected and watched over. I can remember that first night when I was surprised how little Kate actually wanted to sleep. You showed me how if I just held her close she would go back to sleep again. You stayed right by me all night and that was a REALLY long night.
I am so grateful that God has given us these experiences to share. I feel blessed that in the absence of my real Mother I knew I could count on you to be there. I always thought of you and Jayanne as each being half of a whole that I need in my life to have a mother. Now that you are gone I am not quit sure what to do about that other half. I guess I will try to remember all you did. Try to emulate you in all the ways that I can. I can't describe what it has meant in my life that each time I have given birth you have rejoiced even as I have. I love you. I miss you.
Love, Laurin
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Here I Go...Day 1
A hole. Today I decided that is what it is. That is what I feel. When I started to realize that feeling today I felt a tug in my stomach that made me wrap my arms around it and I forced myself to not think about that hole. I have this huge void right in the middle of me and there is nothing to fill it. It contains all that my sister meant to me. All the roles she filled in my life that she no longer can be apart. I am still trying to figure out where to go from here now. You see she wasn't just a sister. She was my mother, my best friend, my mentor. The one I could turn to if I didn't understand life.
She taught me to brave and to do things you don't want to.
She taught me that smiling your way through life is much better than crying...plus you make more friends that way...which she did.
She taught me that you can over come any circumstance life brings you. You decide what you life will become and that you should never let your life decide for you.
She taught me to always be kind. To never look down on those you don't understand. You never know what someone has to offer.
I learned that forgiveness is not something that has to be asked for but something we can give any time we choose. It is not about them it is about you.
She taught me that fun is FUN and you should have as much of it as you possibly can.
I learned through her friends, about her, what a good friend really is. How loyal and good she was and how life changing that kind of a friendship can be.
I learned service can pick you up out of the worst of circumstances and help you rise again.
The lessons I will treasure most from her is how she taught me to be a wife and a mother. I learned from her that my husband is the most important thing in my life and not only should I know that but that I should make a point to make sure that he knows that, too.
I not only learned how to nurture the body of an infant but also how to care for their soul. How to love them and be patient with them...always.
If all of these lessons seem familiar to you that is because they are. She taught me by living the gospel. By striving to do the right thing and be like the Savior. She didn't do it because she knew I was watching she did it because that is who she was.
I remember a very significant crossroads in my life. I realized I would either be one person or the other. I clearly remember seeing her with her husband and little girl. I saw their happiness and joy that they found in living the way they lived. I decided then and there that that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted a family. I wanted a husband just like she had. And I wanted them forever.
I feel very blessed to be called her sister, but I feel so much more blessed to call her so much more. I remember years ago when I was still in High School she gave me a plaque that read, "Sisters by chance, Friends by choice". I don't think it was chance that we ended up in the same family. Heavenly Father knew that we needed each other to get through it all. I feel blessed to know her enough to know the good and bad..flaws and all.
I want you all to know that I know first that Melynda still lives. I know that as easy as I breath. I have never felt this close to the other side of the veil as I do now. It has never been so easy for me understand what is going on there and to imagine how wonderful it must be there. I have never looked forward to that day but now I do. I know there is purpose in all of life. I know she is needed there and I am needed here. My hope is that we can both fulfill our purposes although at times I feel less than capable of doing mine.
I also know that while I feel this great void where she used to be I have much I can still learn from her. Now all that she has ever done has more meaning to me than before and there is so much to learn.
I have decided to do 31 Days of Memories for Melynda. I wanted to do it privately but then I decided I wanted to share what an awesome person she was because she was AWESOME. Some will be happy or sad but all significant to me. If any of you have any to share please do. I love all of you and am grateful for all the love, prayers, faith and support. Life is unbearable without those four things.
Thanks if you made it throught the whole thing...in the words of Macie "...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
She taught me to brave and to do things you don't want to.
She taught me that smiling your way through life is much better than crying...plus you make more friends that way...which she did.
She taught me that you can over come any circumstance life brings you. You decide what you life will become and that you should never let your life decide for you.
She taught me to always be kind. To never look down on those you don't understand. You never know what someone has to offer.
I learned that forgiveness is not something that has to be asked for but something we can give any time we choose. It is not about them it is about you.
She taught me that fun is FUN and you should have as much of it as you possibly can.
I learned through her friends, about her, what a good friend really is. How loyal and good she was and how life changing that kind of a friendship can be.
I learned service can pick you up out of the worst of circumstances and help you rise again.
The lessons I will treasure most from her is how she taught me to be a wife and a mother. I learned from her that my husband is the most important thing in my life and not only should I know that but that I should make a point to make sure that he knows that, too.
I not only learned how to nurture the body of an infant but also how to care for their soul. How to love them and be patient with them...always.
If all of these lessons seem familiar to you that is because they are. She taught me by living the gospel. By striving to do the right thing and be like the Savior. She didn't do it because she knew I was watching she did it because that is who she was.
I remember a very significant crossroads in my life. I realized I would either be one person or the other. I clearly remember seeing her with her husband and little girl. I saw their happiness and joy that they found in living the way they lived. I decided then and there that that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted a family. I wanted a husband just like she had. And I wanted them forever.
I feel very blessed to be called her sister, but I feel so much more blessed to call her so much more. I remember years ago when I was still in High School she gave me a plaque that read, "Sisters by chance, Friends by choice". I don't think it was chance that we ended up in the same family. Heavenly Father knew that we needed each other to get through it all. I feel blessed to know her enough to know the good and bad..flaws and all.
I want you all to know that I know first that Melynda still lives. I know that as easy as I breath. I have never felt this close to the other side of the veil as I do now. It has never been so easy for me understand what is going on there and to imagine how wonderful it must be there. I have never looked forward to that day but now I do. I know there is purpose in all of life. I know she is needed there and I am needed here. My hope is that we can both fulfill our purposes although at times I feel less than capable of doing mine.
I also know that while I feel this great void where she used to be I have much I can still learn from her. Now all that she has ever done has more meaning to me than before and there is so much to learn.
I have decided to do 31 Days of Memories for Melynda. I wanted to do it privately but then I decided I wanted to share what an awesome person she was because she was AWESOME. Some will be happy or sad but all significant to me. If any of you have any to share please do. I love all of you and am grateful for all the love, prayers, faith and support. Life is unbearable without those four things.
Thanks if you made it throught the whole thing...in the words of Macie "...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)