Day 31

Dear Melynda,

I received an e-mail that a acquaintance/friend husband passed away today.  While I knew her while working in young women's together I didn't know her husband at all.  I feel for her.  I remember that heavy burden.  I remember that deep sorrow that rest on you.  I have been think about this phrase quite a bit lately.  It is spoken by the Prophet Abinidi in The Book of Mormon:

 

“But there is a resurrection,

therefore the grave hath no victory,

 and the sting of death,

is swallowed up in Christ.

 

 

I have felt the peace that comes with death.  I have felt lifted out of despair and I have rejoiced in the assurance that my testimony has brought me.  I have never doubted once where you are.  In fact the other day a missionary from another church came by to talk with me about religion.  She asked me point blank, "Do you know where you will go when you die?''  I said enthusiastically, "Yes!"  She rocked back a little on her heels.  I don't think she gets that answer often.  I then went on to tell her how.  How I know because of you.  Because I lost you and through that time I now don't just believe I know!  It made me realize how great this gospel is.  How blessed I have been to have it and receive my own testimony of it. 

 

As I think of this dear sister tonight I think of her pain.  Of the sadness and the deep bleakness that will come but I can also witness now that Christ has taken the sting of death away.  I thought for awhile that I wasn't doing things right because I was sad but now I realize we must be sad.  We must miss our loved ones.  Not only is it natural to miss those you love but it is our physical reaction to being completely separated from our loved ones...at least physically.  We must mourn in its due course but I now see it is the real sting that is gone.  The sting of never seeing that person again.  That would be an agony I couldn't comprehend.  To think we would live only to lose someone completely would be an endless sorrow. 

 

I don't know the words to tell you how I feel.  I am thankful for you as my sister.  I am thankful for all I learned in your life and in your passing.  I am so thankful and often day dream about seeing you again.  I know that this time apart will make that day more meaningful.  I have learned so much during these last few months and know that there is still more.  

 

I think back to last summer.  That amazing camping trip.  :)  The last time we were all together.  All the work you put into it.  For one last hurrah!  How we laughed,  we argued, we laughed some more, we froze our buns off but we had a great time.  I will always remember that time and remember that it is times like those that we are working for in this life.  Chris and I coined the phrase  as not "living for the moment" but "living for eternity".  This life will pass as we clearly see but it is far beyond that that we are seeking. 

From the moment you passed away each memory became treasured.  The good and bad.  The ones of laughing at the ice cream shop, to all those boy crazy talks you gave me, to having our first adult argument in Grandma's kitchen (she was appalled) and how we both left livid and both returned 10 minutes later with tears in our eyes to apologize.  To you meeting Chris for the first time and welcoming him whole heartedly, to dragging me everywhere with you when you were in High School,  to being there holding my hand when Kate was born these memories are all frozen.  Stuck on a bookshelf inside my mind.  I occasionally pull them off.  Many times something I see will force one of them open without me thinking of it.  They are there to treasure and remember until we make more. 

So thank you for everything.  Thanks being the sister I needed through so many things.  For being there always.  For listen, for caring, and for being you.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I miss you.  I love you!

Love,  Laurin


THE END

(for now)

Day 30

Dear Melynda,

Melynda moments. That is what I have come to call them. They are the moments in my life that are pionent with you. Where your influence is complete and I know that in this moment I will always think of you. These things will always be yours.
Last night I was laying in bed with my Josalyn. She could not sleep but was so tired so she was not very happy about it. I curled up next to her in that tiny toddler bed and we laid there face to face, nose to nose. I would smiled a little she would give a little smile back until we were both in full face grins. Then I laid there and sang to her and absent mindely began to run my fingers over her face. Around and around as soft as I could. In that moment laying there with my baby it took me back to a few months before laying with yours. Cuddling her at night, because those are the hardest times, and talking to her about you. She told me how you would lay in bed and night and tickle her face so as we talked I would do the same. It brought comfort and closeness for her. Somethine she was longing for. Those were sweet times and they are what I remember most about your girls being here with me.

It brought a mixture of sadness and joy to me to realize that even with you gone your influence is strong in my life. Eveytime I do that I know thoughts of you will be there. Thoughts of the mother you were and the mother you are. Thoughts of remembering to slow down and enjoy these moments. I want my children to someday remember me like your do you. They have hundreds of precious little nuggets of golden memories you have given them because you took so much time to just be with them.

Then last night on the phone Jayanne told me our Miller Family get together that was that night. She had her own Melynda moment. Her time-stand-still moment where she could see and almost feel you there. She knew if you were there exactly what you would be doing. You would be in the middle of the room bringing everyone together. Reaching out to those who didn't feel as included and most of all your laugh would be heard from almost any room in the house. She may have been the only one there that could hear that empty sound but it something that won't ever go away.

A month ago Chad posted a video of all the family doing a huge slip n' slid on The Fourth of July. Remember how awesome that was last year....I think we have a tradition in the making. Well nobody else was going so Chad went for it. As I watched him go down the hill and slid off at the bottom I unconiously kept thinking here comes her laugh, here it comes. Then it ended and that was it. It was such a hallow feeling to hear nothing. I will always remember that empty air in those moments where you should be/would be there.

Thank you for being the type of person that has moments that are worth keeping around. There are times that they hurt but there is so much good in remembering you and who you are that it makes it worth it. I miss you. I love you!

Love, Lar