Dear Melynda,
At the risk of being redundant I wanted to sharing something similar today about a conversation I had with Kate. I was trying to explain to her why we can't be mean to people and how kindness is always the way. (I could write a whole post on your philosophy of kindness as well.) Well she didn't like this. We were talking about a friend in particular and she said, "mom I just have a hard time with her and it is just too hard to be nice." Well I was a little stuck I wasn't quite sure where to go with that. I am okay with my child having weakness but how do I teach her that we don't just roll over and say "die" when it is hard. Well since you are my favorite topic of choice right now a wonderful and tender story popped into my head.
I related to Kate about after you had your stroke. You were unable to use half your body and if that wasn't bad enough you were in a wheel chair because of your previous injury. I explained to her that you had a choice to make. You could either stay in your wheelchair and never get better or you could choose to get better. (I remember you telling me of one lady who went to therapy after a stroke and who was your age. She quite after a few weeks and never went back. She will always be paralyzed.) I then explained that getting better wasn't easy. It was painful, it was hard work, and it even made you cry... a lot sometimes...with discouragement. I told her even though it was hard work you did it because you knew it was worth it. I then told her the story about how you told the doctors you were going to be walking again by you 30th birthday. They said there was no way. They said you would be lucky to be up out of your wheel chair in therapy by that time. It was only 9 months after your stroke and accident. But you had made up your mind and you did it on crutches. You were so proud.
I remember two very emotional phone calls of accomplishment I received from you. The first time it is when you opened and closed your hand for the first time without help. I knew it was huge. I knew how much you had payed in pain for each nerve you had to regrow to get your hand to move again. You were elate and I took joy in the simpleness of the blessing you had recieved. I NEVER look at my hand and rejoice that I can open and close it. Now I often find myself caught up in that simple act.
The second was when you took your first step on crutches. You had wanted to be completely walking by April. We wouldn't find out for another year you would never walk on your own again. Those first steps meant so much for you. Crutches were such a blessing. You felt so free and more able to move around and care for your girls. I remember how much it broke my heart when you would go into your girls room to put them to bed but your wheel chair couldn't get in all the way so you would have to stay at the door way and tell them good night. You could never go lay by them, or help pick out their clothes and when they shoved all their dirty clothes into the corner of the room you would never know. That would be every teenagers dream though. :)
Thanks for being someone I can tell my daughter to look up. I know she loves you and she really felt your love so the stories I tell her about you really matter. You are a great sister. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Day 11
Dear Melynda,
Just for your little update. Everyone is doing good. This week has been a very good week. They other day I talked to Jayanne and we always ask the "how are you doing today?" We were using a rating system at first, when you were in the hospital and right after you died, between 1 and 10 because it was the dumbest question to ask. In the beginning there weren't really words. We all new how everyone was doing...terrible, but the question always came up anyway. Now though the emotion vary day to day so it is a justified question. I asked Jay and she said, "I am doing much better than last week. I am in denial." I said, "Well it seems like denial is a pretty good place to be then". She sounded happier than she had in awhile. I think I am there right now too. I know it won't last but I am just enjoying my productivity that is a direct result of my state of denial I am in right now.
On that note I was thinking of you over the past couple of days. Denial has brought me a wonderful sense of humor. I am working on a secret project right for your girls. I will tell you more later..even though you know already what it is. I have had to crack out my sewing machine again I know you are secretly smiling at me up there because of it. You always worked so hard to get me to do sewing projects with you. Remember all that material we bought when Joe was born to make a skirts for Kate. Well lets just say I haven't sown one stitch since you left. Now I feel so guilty about it that I am going to have to finish and pass them along to Josalyn.
Well my super secret project got me thinking of you. At your viewing Dave's sister, Debbie, started talking to me about the summer that Lyla started teaching you how to sew. She bought you a new sewing machine and you learned to make these draw string skirts. She was laughing because once you learned how to make them you made a ton of them. For everyone who was staying at the Thomas' home. Which was a lot because all their family was visiting. What I remember most about you learning how to sew was how angry it made you. I still can remember all the threats you made to throw that sewing machine in the pool. You would come out ranting and raving about something that was all the sudden going wrong with the machine and how you were going to just toss it in the pool. David and I stepped lightly during these moments. Eventually you would figure it out and would go on to design and sew your own clothes...with a much better machine mind you.
It also, shamefully, reminds me of the month after your stroke. As project oriented as you are you needed something to do, I already mentioned all the canning you did about the same time. Somehow you talked Jayanne and I into making Halloween bags with you. Well we set out designing , cutting, and sewing them. You shamed us real good! Jay and I were still cutting ours out and I was just starting to sew my first bag when you finished the last stitch on your third bag. It was ridiculous. And you only sewed with one arm! We all had a good laugh about and did for the last couple of years. Whenever you would mention sewing projects to me I would sheepishly remind you of that story so you would remember what you were getting yourself into. You would push through and insist on doing it anyway.
Melynda Thomas can do hard things! I will always remember that about you. You did hard things over and over again. Just when we all thought God was done teaching you a lesson he would give you one more to learn. I don't begrudge him and I know you didn't either. I know it was hard. Of course it was. Sometimes you figuratively wanted to take all your trials and "throw them in the pool". That is the best part though. It was hard for you but then after you faced the fact that this was hard you made a mental choice to go for it anyway. No matter how hard it was or how many times it took to get it right.
It is easy when someone is gone to take there life and memorialize into a floating life of perfection. But I can't do it! I won't do it. That is what I have come to appreciate the most about your life. You took all that hard and messy stuff and said, "look what I can do with it". This is what I will teach your girls. That their mom did hard things. That they are a Miller/Thomas and they too can do hard things. (The stubbornness is Miller trait but I know you adopted many Thomas traits of perseverance and commitment.) Heaven knows at times life with be hard.
Thank you for watching over us. I really appreciated that special moment the other day. I haven't felt you that close since the last time I saw you. Don't forget about Jay and I. We want to help and do what you would have us do for your sweet little family. Everything we do for them we try to do with you in mind. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Just for your little update. Everyone is doing good. This week has been a very good week. They other day I talked to Jayanne and we always ask the "how are you doing today?" We were using a rating system at first, when you were in the hospital and right after you died, between 1 and 10 because it was the dumbest question to ask. In the beginning there weren't really words. We all new how everyone was doing...terrible, but the question always came up anyway. Now though the emotion vary day to day so it is a justified question. I asked Jay and she said, "I am doing much better than last week. I am in denial." I said, "Well it seems like denial is a pretty good place to be then". She sounded happier than she had in awhile. I think I am there right now too. I know it won't last but I am just enjoying my productivity that is a direct result of my state of denial I am in right now.
On that note I was thinking of you over the past couple of days. Denial has brought me a wonderful sense of humor. I am working on a secret project right for your girls. I will tell you more later..even though you know already what it is. I have had to crack out my sewing machine again I know you are secretly smiling at me up there because of it. You always worked so hard to get me to do sewing projects with you. Remember all that material we bought when Joe was born to make a skirts for Kate. Well lets just say I haven't sown one stitch since you left. Now I feel so guilty about it that I am going to have to finish and pass them along to Josalyn.
Well my super secret project got me thinking of you. At your viewing Dave's sister, Debbie, started talking to me about the summer that Lyla started teaching you how to sew. She bought you a new sewing machine and you learned to make these draw string skirts. She was laughing because once you learned how to make them you made a ton of them. For everyone who was staying at the Thomas' home. Which was a lot because all their family was visiting. What I remember most about you learning how to sew was how angry it made you. I still can remember all the threats you made to throw that sewing machine in the pool. You would come out ranting and raving about something that was all the sudden going wrong with the machine and how you were going to just toss it in the pool. David and I stepped lightly during these moments. Eventually you would figure it out and would go on to design and sew your own clothes...with a much better machine mind you.
It also, shamefully, reminds me of the month after your stroke. As project oriented as you are you needed something to do, I already mentioned all the canning you did about the same time. Somehow you talked Jayanne and I into making Halloween bags with you. Well we set out designing , cutting, and sewing them. You shamed us real good! Jay and I were still cutting ours out and I was just starting to sew my first bag when you finished the last stitch on your third bag. It was ridiculous. And you only sewed with one arm! We all had a good laugh about and did for the last couple of years. Whenever you would mention sewing projects to me I would sheepishly remind you of that story so you would remember what you were getting yourself into. You would push through and insist on doing it anyway.
Melynda Thomas can do hard things! I will always remember that about you. You did hard things over and over again. Just when we all thought God was done teaching you a lesson he would give you one more to learn. I don't begrudge him and I know you didn't either. I know it was hard. Of course it was. Sometimes you figuratively wanted to take all your trials and "throw them in the pool". That is the best part though. It was hard for you but then after you faced the fact that this was hard you made a mental choice to go for it anyway. No matter how hard it was or how many times it took to get it right.
It is easy when someone is gone to take there life and memorialize into a floating life of perfection. But I can't do it! I won't do it. That is what I have come to appreciate the most about your life. You took all that hard and messy stuff and said, "look what I can do with it". This is what I will teach your girls. That their mom did hard things. That they are a Miller/Thomas and they too can do hard things. (The stubbornness is Miller trait but I know you adopted many Thomas traits of perseverance and commitment.) Heaven knows at times life with be hard.
Thank you for watching over us. I really appreciated that special moment the other day. I haven't felt you that close since the last time I saw you. Don't forget about Jay and I. We want to help and do what you would have us do for your sweet little family. Everything we do for them we try to do with you in mind. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Day 10
First I want to apologize for any who might me following this trip down memory lane. My computer is on fritz right now.
Dear Melynda,
Who would ever think that a funeral would be a popularity contest? It was impossible during something like to take time to pause and think what if this was me? Who would come? Who would care? Then there are the more important questions like: Have I done all that I wanted and all that I was meant to do? Have I helped those around me enough? And probably most important: Did I show and tell those I am leaving behind that I love them?
I know I wasn't the only one during those first few days, after you were gone, wondering these things. It is a huge blessing to be shoved into that sort of reality. It awakens apart of you you didn't know was sleeping. Not only does you appreciation for life increase but also your desire to make this life something of value and good also.
All I can really sum it up in is that I am proud to be your sister. I remember going places with you. When I brought you, I brought the fun! People loved to be around you because they felt better about life and about themselves when they were around you. I remember you being around even the most stone, cold people and eventually you could get them to crack a smile, if not more. I think it was that laugh of yours that eventually wore them down.
Looking back now it is easier to see what a good friend you were. Mostly I can see what you did for me and how you replicated that act over and over again for many others. You love, you cared, you gave, you nurtured, and mostly you made us all smile. You helped us all feel welcome in your life. I witness what a true friend can do. They create fiercely loyal and devoted friends. Friends who will be around even after you are gone to help us move on. Thank you for that gift.
I guess more than anything as I have had time to reflect and ponder over over my memories I am most grateful for your example. In church we are constantly taught to be like our Savior Jesus Christ. That can be a hard thing to put into perspective. There are so many things now that I can see him acting through you for the benefit of others. Remember when I called you are crazy because I just had a baby. You listened to me for five minutes got Chris on the phone and said, "she has postpartum depression. Take her to the doc. It will help everything." You saved me from one of the most difficult times in my life. I feel strongly that you were being a helper to Him.
I feel I am completely unable to express this subject properly about you. I can remember being younger and I would talk to my friends about you at random. Something I do now even more. I just wanted everyone to know how great you are and, even more, I felt no one could possible have a sister that great.
I fear that as time moves on my memories will dim. That is probably one of the cruelest tricks of all. It is hard enough to lose you but to lost all these things so dear to me makes me ache already. I pray they may stay and I can always remember how wonderful it is to know and be your sister. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Dear Melynda,
Who would ever think that a funeral would be a popularity contest? It was impossible during something like to take time to pause and think what if this was me? Who would come? Who would care? Then there are the more important questions like: Have I done all that I wanted and all that I was meant to do? Have I helped those around me enough? And probably most important: Did I show and tell those I am leaving behind that I love them?
I know I wasn't the only one during those first few days, after you were gone, wondering these things. It is a huge blessing to be shoved into that sort of reality. It awakens apart of you you didn't know was sleeping. Not only does you appreciation for life increase but also your desire to make this life something of value and good also.
All I can really sum it up in is that I am proud to be your sister. I remember going places with you. When I brought you, I brought the fun! People loved to be around you because they felt better about life and about themselves when they were around you. I remember you being around even the most stone, cold people and eventually you could get them to crack a smile, if not more. I think it was that laugh of yours that eventually wore them down.
Looking back now it is easier to see what a good friend you were. Mostly I can see what you did for me and how you replicated that act over and over again for many others. You love, you cared, you gave, you nurtured, and mostly you made us all smile. You helped us all feel welcome in your life. I witness what a true friend can do. They create fiercely loyal and devoted friends. Friends who will be around even after you are gone to help us move on. Thank you for that gift.
I guess more than anything as I have had time to reflect and ponder over over my memories I am most grateful for your example. In church we are constantly taught to be like our Savior Jesus Christ. That can be a hard thing to put into perspective. There are so many things now that I can see him acting through you for the benefit of others. Remember when I called you are crazy because I just had a baby. You listened to me for five minutes got Chris on the phone and said, "she has postpartum depression. Take her to the doc. It will help everything." You saved me from one of the most difficult times in my life. I feel strongly that you were being a helper to Him.
I feel I am completely unable to express this subject properly about you. I can remember being younger and I would talk to my friends about you at random. Something I do now even more. I just wanted everyone to know how great you are and, even more, I felt no one could possible have a sister that great.
I fear that as time moves on my memories will dim. That is probably one of the cruelest tricks of all. It is hard enough to lose you but to lost all these things so dear to me makes me ache already. I pray they may stay and I can always remember how wonderful it is to know and be your sister. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Day 9
Dear Melynda,
Do you remember us talking about how lucky we were to end up with the Hubbies we have. For all the chaos that our family went through we were all blessed to settle down with spouses who have pretty normal, supportive families. I have really been able to feel that love over the past few weeks from my own family. I have especially marveled at my husband. He doesn't understand all the inner turmoil that is going on. I remember reading a quote from another lady who had lost a sibling. She spoke of how aggravating it can become when everyone around her would become afraid to talk to her especially about the death of her brother. She knew that they were afraid that talking about it would bring more pain but then she went on to say, "it is all I was ever thinking about so to be able to talk about it was a relief." It isn't a wish we have that is just how it is. Your mind is consumed with it. Even while you go about your lovely days there is always a film going on in the back of you mind playing a different part of the same show. There are very few times that I truly forget. Then when it all comes rushing back it is almost crushing. It is almost better to stay submerged where you can constantly manage it instead of be overwhelmed by it.
Anyway I had made a choice not to make this the center of conversation in my household. It is natural and wonderful to talk about you especially with my kids and it is fun when Chris and I start to reminiscence and laugh about all our memories of you. He still thinks it is funny that you are still mad at him for siding with me when we planned our wedding. You two will have to work it out someday. I know he doesn't understand that this is a constant battle so when I start to crack a little or I just need him to be a sounding board he is always there. He just lets me rant about my newest discoveries or insight. I am waiting for the day when he says, "Just be quiet already. You are such a downer!" He hasn't though. Lucky me.
This had me thinking about your Dave. We always used to compare how much a like and different they are. One thing we would often discuss was how the both of them would do pretty much anything for us. Definitely Dave more than Chris we agreed upon. I have yet to see what you couldn't talk Dave into doing. I think when he agreed to help you make a duct tape mannequin your size, so you could put the clothes you sewed onto it instead of trying them on yourself, I knew he would do anything for you. I have never met two people like you. Passionate. You passionately loved and passionately disagreed. I love to watch him melt your anger with his charm. He was such a schmoozer. He knows it too.
I remember having family dinner with you, me, Maya, and Dave when I lived with you. He had this scheme going on in his head. I don't know if you put him up to it. He tried to make a bet with me to not date anyone for the first year I went to college. He was completely serious and I didn't know what to say. I had just met Chris after all and I already had a really good feeling about where that was going. I don't think he had met him yet.
I am grateful for the impact that you both have had on my life. I know that I have told you this before but it really was the two of you that made me decide who I wanted to be. After seeing your happiness and devotion to each other I really wanted that life. Thanks for always being the example. You are a great big sister. I am grateful Heavenly Father is in charge. He knew we all needed you to look up to. We still are...literally. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Do you remember us talking about how lucky we were to end up with the Hubbies we have. For all the chaos that our family went through we were all blessed to settle down with spouses who have pretty normal, supportive families. I have really been able to feel that love over the past few weeks from my own family. I have especially marveled at my husband. He doesn't understand all the inner turmoil that is going on. I remember reading a quote from another lady who had lost a sibling. She spoke of how aggravating it can become when everyone around her would become afraid to talk to her especially about the death of her brother. She knew that they were afraid that talking about it would bring more pain but then she went on to say, "it is all I was ever thinking about so to be able to talk about it was a relief." It isn't a wish we have that is just how it is. Your mind is consumed with it. Even while you go about your lovely days there is always a film going on in the back of you mind playing a different part of the same show. There are very few times that I truly forget. Then when it all comes rushing back it is almost crushing. It is almost better to stay submerged where you can constantly manage it instead of be overwhelmed by it.
Anyway I had made a choice not to make this the center of conversation in my household. It is natural and wonderful to talk about you especially with my kids and it is fun when Chris and I start to reminiscence and laugh about all our memories of you. He still thinks it is funny that you are still mad at him for siding with me when we planned our wedding. You two will have to work it out someday. I know he doesn't understand that this is a constant battle so when I start to crack a little or I just need him to be a sounding board he is always there. He just lets me rant about my newest discoveries or insight. I am waiting for the day when he says, "Just be quiet already. You are such a downer!" He hasn't though. Lucky me.
This had me thinking about your Dave. We always used to compare how much a like and different they are. One thing we would often discuss was how the both of them would do pretty much anything for us. Definitely Dave more than Chris we agreed upon. I have yet to see what you couldn't talk Dave into doing. I think when he agreed to help you make a duct tape mannequin your size, so you could put the clothes you sewed onto it instead of trying them on yourself, I knew he would do anything for you. I have never met two people like you. Passionate. You passionately loved and passionately disagreed. I love to watch him melt your anger with his charm. He was such a schmoozer. He knows it too.
I remember having family dinner with you, me, Maya, and Dave when I lived with you. He had this scheme going on in his head. I don't know if you put him up to it. He tried to make a bet with me to not date anyone for the first year I went to college. He was completely serious and I didn't know what to say. I had just met Chris after all and I already had a really good feeling about where that was going. I don't think he had met him yet.
I am grateful for the impact that you both have had on my life. I know that I have told you this before but it really was the two of you that made me decide who I wanted to be. After seeing your happiness and devotion to each other I really wanted that life. Thanks for always being the example. You are a great big sister. I am grateful Heavenly Father is in charge. He knew we all needed you to look up to. We still are...literally. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Monday, February 27, 2012
Day 8
Abbi, Melynda, Kate, Macie
Dear Melynda,
Well, no, the anger hasn't passed. You were always so good at smiling away the bad. I think it may be my friend for awhile. Don't worry though I don't go around yelling at everyone. I don't let it out when others are around. I know it would do no good only make me feel worse. I am, however, letting myself be angry and okay with it. I just have times were I find my self alone, and all the niceties of life have left me, and all my memories of the past two months (I can't believe it has been that long) come rushing back. I feel like I am suffocating. I am often taken off guard by how strong and difficult each emotion that is thrown at me is.
Today I was feeling particularly swallowed up by it all when I was teaching preschool for Carter class. I began thinking about how behind I am on teaching him and Kate. I really need to get with the program. Before I came out this summer you had told me you made all of these packets for the girls when you were trying to teach them how to read. You said you would pass them along to me so I could use them with my kiddos. We completely forgot about it. What can we say we were having fun not thinking of school! Now, however, I would give my left arm for those. I remember the hours and hours of time you put into creating, cutting, and laminating each one. I was always so impressed one: with your drive; and two: and your strong dedication to teaching as much to your children at home as they learned at school. When each one of them struggled with a particular subject you made it your personal mission to get them through it. I remember many phone calls of worry when one of them was struggling. They have carried that on and have been so diligent in all they do. I remember when I was staying with you the summer you had your stroke Maya and Macie would come home and get right to their homework. I LOVED it! I find my heart and prayers full of thanksgiving that you raised those girls to be so self sufficient and taught them so well. They had lots of practice during the past two and a half years since your stroke to learn to do things on their own. I don't think any of us could see how much they would need it. Thank you for being the type of woman and mother that could be inspired, would listen, and do it. There are so many things that I look back on your life and I can see how you were pushed to do things that would now bring us comfort. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to learn the things I need to. Thanks for being my teacher as much as anyone else. I am grateful I had a front row seat to it all. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Friday, February 24, 2012
Day 7
Dear Melynda,
Do you remember the time you were driving up to North Ogden to visit when I was in High School. You were driving in the Saturn (that would later become my precious baby) and you were blasting Dixie Chicks. Well of course that old thing doesn't have curse control and you were pulled over doing 94 in a 65. You put on your best charm, smiled and laughed and tried to talk the officer out of it but you end up with a hundred and something dollar ticket. David was much more smitten with your charm and wasn't mad. You always had a way with him.
I remember when you first introduced me to country music. Garth Brooks it was. We listened to it all summer long. I was hooked. I went back to Junior High a new girls. Much better than all the old stuff I listened to before. I honestly think it was your secret plan all along.
Listening to music was one of my favorite things that we did together. When I was staying at your house during the funeral I was reminiscing with Dave about how you both had introduced me to so much good music. Probably the most significant was Frank Sinatra (I think I still have your CD). Now everyday when I turn on Pandora I find myself getting lost in every Michael Buble song I can. I am not very hard core but it does remind me of all those cleaning days at your house blasting Frank as we would work in the house and around in the yard as we would sing and dance our way around the house. I was so impressed with how much your girls loved it and how so often Dave would pull you aside and you two would start dancing in the kitchen or living room. That is something that I have taken into my home. Music, good music, brings you together. I would have to say that one of our family favorite activities is to blare some music and dance and that is the only way I can get my kiddos to clean.
Do you remember listening to Taylor Swift ALL summer long this summer? Every time we turned on the car our girls would beg for it and we would of course oblige. Mostly because everyone knew all the words so we could all singing it together at the top of our lungs. When we came back to Maryland we missed it so much my kids and I went out and bought one for us and guess what we listen to almost every time we are in the care. Chris just shakes his had every time Carter as to listen to "Baby Just Say Yes" as he calls it.
See how much you have affected me! You have taught me more than you know. It is things like this that will always keep you with me. I would consider it a tender mercy.
I am grateful for them all. Grateful the Lord in all is infinite wisdom gave us all the time we had together. Till we dance again. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Day 6
Dear Melynda,
I have to be honest I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me. I guess I always figured that people who had lost someone one close to them knew how to mourn and understood how they felt. The only thing I really feel most of the time is confusion. I do feel very grateful because in this time of confusion I sit back and wonder how those without the gospel get by when something like this comes along. I am very aware that throughout human kind people have died and will continue to die. I have marveled even more at my own ignorance of it and what others have been going through. That probably doesn't make sense. I just feel like a whole new world is opened up to me now. I consider it a true bitter-sweet situation. I rejoice for the things that I have learned. I am grateful to have gained a deeper understanding and value for all things. I am thankful that I truly feel like I could mourn with those that mourn but with all that knowledge comes a heavy price. I have been clinging to this video I watch the other day about forgiveness. I actually met the man in it over the summer but didn't recognize him until later. I knew of his situation and his great loss but I never knew it would be his words that I would cling to now. The part that has stuck with me the most is how he explains that we need to merely allow the Savior to shine through us and we can do anything. Then he follows up later with these words, "I am grateful that the Lord allows tragedy and trials to happen". I have thought and thought and thought some more about that over these past few days. I have sought understanding because those are hard words to swallow. I can now say that I can feel a sliver of that truth in me. There is a part of me that understands there is a greater purpose at work. This isn't really it for any of us. It is these trials and tragedies that prepare us for returning to our Father in Heaven. They are what ensure that we will be ready for that day. Without our struggles we would never need to pray, we would never ask for help, we would never be humble enough to listen for the Holy Ghost. We would completely give over to the "natural man". It is these things that bring us to our knees and remind us that we are meant for more than what we have become. I don't know if that is what he meant but that is what I have taken away from it.
I think besides mourning my own loss I have had as much trouble mourning my children's loss over you. I know Jayanne has said as much, too. If you had just been a crappy aunt all our children would say good riddance but you weren't. :) You made each of them feel special. They weren't a collective whole of nieces and nephews to you. Each one was special to you and they knew it. They all had their things they did with you. It would be safe to say that Carter spent the eighth and ninth month of his life riding around on your lap in your wheel chair while I helped around the house. Josalyn pretty much did the same thing this last summer in June. Then there is Kate. She misses you so much. She is also our greatest reminder of you. She always reassures as when we are feeling sad about you that we will see you again on "spirit day" as she calls it.
I always loved when Kate would spend time with you. I love to watch what you would bring out in her. I felt like when I watched the two of you together I would learn knew things about my daughter. I will always remember (and miss the most) when we would first arrive in Utah after along time away my kids would walk in the room and you would yell, "Kate!" and throw your arms open for a big hug. She would beam and run to you. She knew she was special to you. Then when Carter wasn't so gun-ho about this lively reception you would make it your personal mission to be the favorite person. It worked...a lot.
At your funeral I shared the story of the marshmallows with everyone there. When we came to Utah this summer my Carter was very reluctant to reach out to anyone. He was really scared of everyone around him. He hadn't seen most of you since he was nine months old. Like always it became your personal mission to make him love you. You would roll in the door and give him your loud, "Carter" with waiting, open arms and he would run the other way. I remember the day that you came into Grandma's house and a similar scenario played out like it had many times before. Then as Carter ran away you said, "Carter I have a surprise for you." This lured him back into the room. Out of your purse you pulled a bag of marsh mallows. He came over and took a few and within a few minutes you had him sitting on your lap eating marshmallows out of your hand. Grandma was just a little jealous. When she told you as much you shared the newly discovered secret about Carter's weakness for marshmallows with her (and anyone else who needed the help with him) and she soon started doing the same thing. What impressed me the most was that you started to carry marshmallows with you everywhere you went so that if the need arose you could entice him back into you lap with your secret weapon. There aren't words to express what it meant to me that you would go to such lengths to love my son. To help him feel safe. Most of all to have such a desire to have a relationship with him. I think many would have turned and said, "oh well he's hopeless."
I know I can't ever replace you but I do hope to learn from you and be better like you. To show more love and concern especially for those who need it most. It is easy to throw in the towel when things seem tough or unconquerable, but you have shown me that you can to anything with perseverance. You are pretty tenacious. I miss you! I love you!
Love, Laurin
I have to be honest I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me. I guess I always figured that people who had lost someone one close to them knew how to mourn and understood how they felt. The only thing I really feel most of the time is confusion. I do feel very grateful because in this time of confusion I sit back and wonder how those without the gospel get by when something like this comes along. I am very aware that throughout human kind people have died and will continue to die. I have marveled even more at my own ignorance of it and what others have been going through. That probably doesn't make sense. I just feel like a whole new world is opened up to me now. I consider it a true bitter-sweet situation. I rejoice for the things that I have learned. I am grateful to have gained a deeper understanding and value for all things. I am thankful that I truly feel like I could mourn with those that mourn but with all that knowledge comes a heavy price. I have been clinging to this video I watch the other day about forgiveness. I actually met the man in it over the summer but didn't recognize him until later. I knew of his situation and his great loss but I never knew it would be his words that I would cling to now. The part that has stuck with me the most is how he explains that we need to merely allow the Savior to shine through us and we can do anything. Then he follows up later with these words, "I am grateful that the Lord allows tragedy and trials to happen". I have thought and thought and thought some more about that over these past few days. I have sought understanding because those are hard words to swallow. I can now say that I can feel a sliver of that truth in me. There is a part of me that understands there is a greater purpose at work. This isn't really it for any of us. It is these trials and tragedies that prepare us for returning to our Father in Heaven. They are what ensure that we will be ready for that day. Without our struggles we would never need to pray, we would never ask for help, we would never be humble enough to listen for the Holy Ghost. We would completely give over to the "natural man". It is these things that bring us to our knees and remind us that we are meant for more than what we have become. I don't know if that is what he meant but that is what I have taken away from it.
I think besides mourning my own loss I have had as much trouble mourning my children's loss over you. I know Jayanne has said as much, too. If you had just been a crappy aunt all our children would say good riddance but you weren't. :) You made each of them feel special. They weren't a collective whole of nieces and nephews to you. Each one was special to you and they knew it. They all had their things they did with you. It would be safe to say that Carter spent the eighth and ninth month of his life riding around on your lap in your wheel chair while I helped around the house. Josalyn pretty much did the same thing this last summer in June. Then there is Kate. She misses you so much. She is also our greatest reminder of you. She always reassures as when we are feeling sad about you that we will see you again on "spirit day" as she calls it.
I always loved when Kate would spend time with you. I love to watch what you would bring out in her. I felt like when I watched the two of you together I would learn knew things about my daughter. I will always remember (and miss the most) when we would first arrive in Utah after along time away my kids would walk in the room and you would yell, "Kate!" and throw your arms open for a big hug. She would beam and run to you. She knew she was special to you. Then when Carter wasn't so gun-ho about this lively reception you would make it your personal mission to be the favorite person. It worked...a lot.
At your funeral I shared the story of the marshmallows with everyone there. When we came to Utah this summer my Carter was very reluctant to reach out to anyone. He was really scared of everyone around him. He hadn't seen most of you since he was nine months old. Like always it became your personal mission to make him love you. You would roll in the door and give him your loud, "Carter" with waiting, open arms and he would run the other way. I remember the day that you came into Grandma's house and a similar scenario played out like it had many times before. Then as Carter ran away you said, "Carter I have a surprise for you." This lured him back into the room. Out of your purse you pulled a bag of marsh mallows. He came over and took a few and within a few minutes you had him sitting on your lap eating marshmallows out of your hand. Grandma was just a little jealous. When she told you as much you shared the newly discovered secret about Carter's weakness for marshmallows with her (and anyone else who needed the help with him) and she soon started doing the same thing. What impressed me the most was that you started to carry marshmallows with you everywhere you went so that if the need arose you could entice him back into you lap with your secret weapon. There aren't words to express what it meant to me that you would go to such lengths to love my son. To help him feel safe. Most of all to have such a desire to have a relationship with him. I think many would have turned and said, "oh well he's hopeless."
I know I can't ever replace you but I do hope to learn from you and be better like you. To show more love and concern especially for those who need it most. It is easy to throw in the towel when things seem tough or unconquerable, but you have shown me that you can to anything with perseverance. You are pretty tenacious. I miss you! I love you!
Love, Laurin
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