Day 6

Dear Melynda,

I have to be honest I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me. I guess I always figured that people who had lost someone one close to them knew how to mourn and understood how they felt. The only thing I really feel most of the time is confusion. I do feel very grateful because in this time of confusion I sit back and wonder how those without the gospel get by when something like this comes along. I am very aware that throughout human kind people have died and will continue to die. I have marveled even more at my own ignorance of it and what others have been going through. That probably doesn't make sense. I just feel like a whole new world is opened up to me now. I consider it a true bitter-sweet situation. I rejoice for the things that I have learned. I am grateful to have gained a deeper understanding and value for all things. I am thankful that I truly feel like I could mourn with those that mourn but with all that knowledge comes a heavy price. I have been clinging to this video I watch the other day about forgiveness. I actually met the man in it over the summer but didn't recognize him until later. I knew of his situation and his great loss but I never knew it would be his words that I would cling to now. The part that has stuck with me the most is how he explains that we need to merely allow the Savior to shine through us and we can do anything. Then he follows up later with these words, "I am grateful that the Lord allows tragedy and trials to happen". I have thought and thought and thought some more about that over these past few days. I have sought understanding because those are hard words to swallow. I can now say that I can feel a sliver of that truth in me. There is a part of me that understands there is a greater purpose at work. This isn't really it for any of us. It is these trials and tragedies that prepare us for returning to our Father in Heaven. They are what ensure that we will be ready for that day. Without our struggles we would never need to pray, we would never ask for help, we would never be humble enough to listen for the Holy Ghost. We would completely give over to the "natural man". It is these things that bring us to our knees and remind us that we are meant for more than what we have become. I don't know if that is what he meant but that is what I have taken away from it.
I think besides mourning my own loss I have had as much trouble mourning my children's loss over you. I know Jayanne has said as much, too. If you had just been a crappy aunt all our children would say good riddance but you weren't. :) You made each of them feel special. They weren't a collective whole of nieces and nephews to you. Each one was special to you and they knew it. They all had their things they did with you. It would be safe to say that Carter spent the eighth and ninth month of his life riding around on your lap in your wheel chair while I helped around the house. Josalyn pretty much did the same thing this last summer in June. Then there is Kate. She misses you so much. She is also our greatest reminder of you. She always reassures as when we are feeling sad about you that we will see you again on "spirit day" as she calls it.
I always loved when Kate would spend time with you. I love to watch what you would bring out in her. I felt like when I watched the two of you together I would learn knew things about my daughter. I will always remember (and miss the most) when we would first arrive in Utah after along time away my kids would walk in the room and you would yell, "Kate!" and throw your arms open for a big hug. She would beam and run to you. She knew she was special to you. Then when Carter wasn't so gun-ho about this lively reception you would make it your personal mission to be the favorite person. It worked...a lot.
At your funeral I shared the story of the marshmallows with everyone there. When we came to Utah this summer my Carter was very reluctant to reach out to anyone. He was really scared of everyone around him. He hadn't seen most of you since he was nine months old. Like always it became your personal mission to make him love you. You would roll in the door and give him your loud, "Carter" with waiting, open arms and he would run the other way. I remember the day that you came into Grandma's house and a similar scenario played out like it had many times before. Then as Carter ran away you said, "Carter I have a surprise for you." This lured him back into the room. Out of your purse you pulled a bag of marsh mallows. He came over and took a few and within a few minutes you had him sitting on your lap eating marshmallows out of your hand. Grandma was just a little jealous. When she told you as much you shared the newly discovered secret about Carter's weakness for marshmallows with her (and anyone else who needed the help with him) and she soon started doing the same thing. What impressed me the most was that you started to carry marshmallows with you everywhere you went so that if the need arose you could entice him back into you lap with your secret weapon. There aren't words to express what it meant to me that you would go to such lengths to love my son. To help him feel safe. Most of all to have such a desire to have a relationship with him. I think many would have turned and said, "oh well he's hopeless."
I know I can't ever replace you but I do hope to learn from you and be better like you. To show more love and concern especially for those who need it most. It is easy to throw in the towel when things seem tough or unconquerable, but you have shown me that you can to anything with perseverance. You are pretty tenacious. I miss you! I love you!

Love, Laurin