Day 5

Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)

Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.

Dear Melynda,

Today was a baaaddd day! I woke up angry. I was probably angry in the first place because my three year old spent the entire night in my room sick and his medicine that he takes to help him makes him bounce off the walls. No one should be bouncing off anything in my room at 2 am. I woke up mad at life. Not anything or anyone in particular just mad that things are the way they are and mostly that I can't change a darn thing! Luckily for me Chris has made it a point to keep me stocked up on flowers so they have brought some cheer into this home. I know I have told you this but winter here stinks! It is almost always cloudy. I miss those awesome St. George winters when the sun would shine and we would start swimming in the Thomas' pool in April or May. Or if we were crazy even sooner! The weather isn't helping here. It really came to a head for me, today, when I had to title my photo file as "Mel's Funeral". I know my anger is only because sometimes it is easier to be angry at something (or nothing) than sad about you.

Well I have to be honest beside you, my kids, my hubby your girls are always on my mind. Not to mention your sweet husband. I miss them. I worry for them. The most heartbreaking thing for me is that all I want to do is smother them in motherly love but I can't. I honestly can feel my arms aching to hold them. Partly because I love them dearly because when they were born I was there to help you take care of them and love on them. Now that you are gone I feel an even deeper desire to be there to hold them. I also have this achy feeling because I know if this situation were reversed that that is where you would be. I remember our conversation on this very subject. I remember talking it over with you. It is one of those conversation you have to talk about, but pray that at the same time you are speaking those words they never come to fruition.
Why may you ask do I know this about you. How do I know you would be there to be super mom to my kids well the best example is this summer. You took Kate and Carter for the weekend so Chris and I could go on a little over night trip to Park City. You said everything went great until Kate came into your around 11:00 saying she had a bad dream. You told her to climb on in you bed just like you would with your own kiddos. You soon found out about my Kate. She doesn't just snuggle she SNUGGLES! She can't be next to you she has to be on top of you. You said you spent the remainder of the night with Kate's head bouncing up and down on your chest looking for, as you put it, "a pillow that wasn't there" because you don't have those like I do. I have troubling making it through nights like but you treated her like your own. I know she feels close to you and loved you especially that night because you were a comfort to her like I would have been.
The questions that runs through my mind at least half the day is what do I do for them, what do I do for them....???
I really don't know but someone said something very kind to me the other day. She reminded me that me and Jayanne are probably the closest people that are like you. I thought about that and for some reason it gave me hope. We know you. We really do. Especially when it comes to being a mom. We can't now, and never will, fill your shoes. They are way too big and I don't want to. I do hope that maybe a little of you rubbed off on me so that they can see something good in me that is like you. Then they might feel closer to you. I miss you, I love you!

Love, Laurin