Day 3

Dear Melynda,

This weekend I had to prepare my primary lesson for my little Valiant four and five year old. I love teaching them. Before you were gone when talk to my children patiently or make a deal with them like you would always do I would think about how well you taught me to talk and reason with my children. How lucky I was to live with you and be able to learn from your example on a daily basis. Now though while the feelings of you are so fresh and raw thoughts of you transcend everything I do. Even my dreams. I pray each night for a peaceful rest but if any slight moment of consciousness seeps in it is like a movie is flipped on in my head and you are star each night and that sick stabbing feelings always accompanies it. I am not complaining though. I know this is a short moment in time for me. I always try to think about Elder Packer's talk about loosing loved ones and that basically we will grieve for that person as deeply as we loved them, so I consider grieving for you a blessing because I know I loved you. After your funeral our cousin, Alex, who has been mourning Garrett's loss for almost a year...time flies...said it was a "beautiful experience". I have clung to that and have really sought out the beauty in all of this. I guess, as of right now, the beauty has come from my dependence on Heavenly Father and my new found prayers. I don't just thank and ask anymore. I talk, listen, plead...I really pray. I find beauty in my new love for life. Not the great exciting things but the small insignificant things. Just getting up each day. That whole mumbled "Lord I thank you for a new day" has brought new meaning and understanding. I don't fear death but I appreciate being given a new day to grow and learn more. To spend time with my children and become more prepared to return to Him. I have become more aware that life does end, but this really isn't the "main attraction" this is just the "side act" to get us to where we really want to be. I am sure as I continue down this road I will find more beauty among this tragedy. I know I have told you this before but thank you for being the one to teach our family. Time and time again I have felt like when we were in line in Heaven and Heavenly Father was handing out every raw deal he could you said "well what good will come from it?". He said, "Well it will help your family for such and such reasons". Your reply, "Okay I'll do it!" I know tough things bring blessing and I know you have expressed your gratitude before that life hasn't been easy. None of us would be who we are without it. I have never been more proud of our misconstrued-siblling-lead family than at your funeral. It is phenomenal what the Lord does with us. It is not us, it is just us allowing him to take part in our life.
So as I was preparing to teach my kiddos in Primary thoughts of you were there, as always and it reminded me of when you were a teacher in Young Women. I was visit on a Sunday you had to teach. You told me the lesson was on choosing good media to watch and listen to. I told you this gross story I had heard. It was about how during a movie someone had taken the reels of a pig being butchered and added it into every other frame of the movie. The people in the theater didn't even know what they were watching but some of them started getting sick to their stomach, vomiting and leaving. (I think at the time I believed it was true but now I have my doubts.) To my surprise on Sunday you shared this story with all of your YW. You gave it your all when explaining, as you always do. You totally grossed them out! And scared them straight I am sure. I always think back to how funny it was because you were so into it and they were staring at you like "I can't believe she is saying this". You were such a good teacher (and story teller). You loved those girls and just like any one you love you gave them your all. I love you, I miss you.

Love, Laurin