Dear Mel,
I am sorry. I know I am not consistent enough. Even though I still number everyday like I am. :) I am just going to be honest. I just can't. My heart is there but in the end I have realized that my thirty day project will probably take close to sixty. Everyday I think about you. Some days are clear and concise and I know exactly what I want to say. Others, most days, are a jumble of thoughts and feelings. My ability to write it down greatly depends on my "emotional state" for the day. Usually if I am having a tough day I tend to be more willing to "emotionally vomit"...those are your words BTW...on you and I feel better. Other days I am relatively happy and I don't want to touch for fear of sinking again. I have to take full advantage of my good days and also allow my bad days to flush themselves out. So, once again you have become my sounding board just like normal. This a little harder though because you never talk back. I my mind though I always like to imagine that I know you well enough by now that I know just how you would react and what you would say. Someday you may have to correct me on that assumption.
The other day I cracked open my photos. The ones I came home with after your funeral and haven't dared to look at since. I didn't want to think about it at all. I didn't need help recalling how much I miss you, but that was a good day, so I decided it was better to do it on a good day than a bad one. It was actually really fun. I love watching you change over the years. All my photos are of you in high school and when you were still having babies. Many of them you are pregnant...which I know were your favorite.
Today the ones that did prick my heart were the ones I found of you, me, and Jay. Now that she is the only living sister I have I tend to lean on her more than I should. She and I are in the same place. We both deal very differently. She usually calls and talks and I know she is having a bad by the sound of her voice even though she doesn't say it. She doesn't want to talk about it she just wants someone on the other line. Me I like to fix everything. Anything I come to understand I want to share so I can make it better for her. Believe me I know how SUPER annoying it is but it is just my compulsion and the majority of the time it gets the better of me.
God knew what he was doing when he made the three of us sisters. He knew we needed each other. He knew he could put three people together and while they were all very different they all had good hearts and he knew that we would understand how much we needed one another. I rejoice in my heart often over the fact that our brothers and sister have accepted our need to be together and our desire to share in one another lives. I know with your death it has brought many questions to the surface about how good of a person I am to those I love most, but deep down I know that we did care for each other and we all showed it by our dedication to each other and their families. You were a great sister. I would give anything to go back and live each memory with you over the last twenty-seven years. I curse my mind almost daily for the loss of memory I already feel I am having. I just pray that maybe when the cloud lifts from my mind things may be a little clearer. I need you. I need you so bad it hurts. I have so many questions. So many things I took for granted that I could ask you and now when I think of them a pain shoots through my heart. I know there are others around me to ask that I trust but the difference is is that in your answers I am sure. Others I have to evaluate and think through but I trust your opinion completely. I know you always try to do the right thing. I know that you take the time to think it through. I often finding myself wanting to ask you questions about your girls and if you were in my situation what would you do. Often times I don't know how we will get through this life. Sometimes things feel like they are going to fall apart before we see you again. I know there is hope in the Savior, in your resurrection, but it is the right here and now that scares me. The next few years. I don't know what to do for your girls. I don't know how to calm their breaking hearts. Sometimes I feel like everyone around them is in such a terrible spot to help because we don't even know what we are doing. Plus we are just trying to keep our heads above water, too. I don't know how to be something I am not. They don't want me or Jay they want you and that is the hardest thing of all. There is no fix there is only band aides. They stay for awhile and then they fall off and it all opens up again.
I remember all those weekends when the three of us would get together and revel in our motherly bliss. More like chaos. It was to watch them enjoy each other and be together. Take in how each of us handle our own children. Watch as you worked furiously to be the favorite aunt to all of me and Jay's kids. (We know that is your secret. To be all their favorites. You were/are pretty tough competition. I feel like I will never top you and I am not sure I want to.) I remember the laughing, talking, fights (between kids), mass meals produced, and projects. Like the time we decided to turn Jayanne's bedroom into a photo studio. We dressed them all up and took a thousand shots of them all together. Now they hang on Dad's wall. Fun was had, being together was what it was really all about, and we would ended the day exhausted. I lived for times like that in Utah. To be honest I am scared to go back. Scared for the quietness that will accompany such an event without you. Scared of the absence that will be painfully apparent. I wonder often if we will ever share such moments again. I imagine we will because I think the next life will be filled with happiness and those are some of my happiest here on earth. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Easter With Meaning
A time of reflection.
When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the firstfruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all. And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost precious loved ones. (Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Sunday Will Come,” Ensign, Nov 2006, 28–30)
Day 25
Dear Melynda,
Today is beautiful outside. I imagine where you are it is beautiful too. Today it makes me think of that beautiful red mountain that you are now resting next to. On the way home from school we decided to postpone lunch and naps and go to the park. The weather was calling us. The sunshine and bright colors put light right into me and the soft breeze has a way of blowing out every feeling of sorrow inside. It was wonderful.
This park was refreshing. It has a lot of old fashion toys. A wooden teeter-totter, metal jungle gym and those big metal things you sit on and they whirl around. That is the one that called to me. After watching my kids play for awhile I took some time to push Kate on it. Telling her stories I remembered about playing on them with Jayanne all the time growing up and how they don't make them that much anymore. She could not fathom why since they were the funnest thing at the park. Then I hopped up on it and showed her how I like to ride on them. I would wrap my legs around the bar and lay back with my head in the center. So we both laid back and watched the sky twirl around us. It was like going back in time. It reminded me of all the days Jay and I would spend at your baseball games. Listen to all you girls in the dugout sing all those songs. Our favorite that we still sing today at out house is "Jump Shake Your Booty". I can remember traveling around as a family going to your games. I remember your nickname "band-aid" because you were always getting hurt. When I was that young I don't have any big memories of you. I remember calling you a klutz one times and you were REALLY offended. I do remember admiring you. Admiring how much others liked to be around you. I liked being your sister because everybody liked you.
It is funny how time passes us by and we think we know what the important times in our life are. How we tend to treasure the "big events" in our lifes. I find myself going back more and more to simple memories like this one at the park. The ones that became traditions in a way. I wish I could go back and watch it all again. I wish I could go back with knowledge I have now and take each moment a little slower and work harder at remembering the things I will miss. Watch you with your friends and me on the play ground. What did we say to each other? What did we do together? Did I ever cheer you on as you played? I honestly don't know but I know that thinking back to those times makes me happy. They are good enough that I miss them. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Day 24
Dear Melynda,
I had an epiphany. Death sucks! I realized this morning why. The Atonement is beautiful and I feel so much peace, but now after going through all of this I realize that even with our promises from our Savior this is still hard. It makes the blackness and the hopelessness go away but there is still this sucking hole that sometimes "I feel like it is taking me".
I thought this morning that we we as humans are pretty much optimistic by nature. I remember even after all you went through you would continually, after hitting rock bottom, turn it around and convince yourself to get up and find something better. Nothing can keep us down forever. I figured out that this doesn't get better. No matter what low I hit you won't come back. No matter how much I cry your girls will still be without you. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! That is not something I could wrap my mind around before. I remember after Garrett died it really brought it home to all of us that we could have lost you two years before when you had your stroke. I remember thinking it is okay though we have the gospel it will be alright. We could get through it and we still will. It is just that I didn't realize that no matter what you still have to hurt, you still feel empty, you still feel desperate and sad...you are still gone. There is no remedy or fix. I didn't realize the two weren't related at all.
I know I am being helped and strengthened continuously. I know my Heavenly Father and Savior are always here. I know because otherwise I would let this black hole just take me. I wouldn't get out of bed or talk to anyone. I would just be an angry, resentful mess. The Atonement is beautiful. How much love that must have taken. I can't even imagine loving that deeply that I would willingly take on such pain for someone. It is a battle to handle the small amount I have right now. I know my pain is swallowed up in his, but I also know that we still have to feel some because we are meant to. I know I need to learn from this and grow. I knew there is purpose but sometimes it just feels downright wrong. Against how I thought everything was supposed to be in life.
My mind keeps flipping to a time in The Book of Mormon when the Nephites were taken into bondage by the Lamanites. Their burden became very heavy. Paying heavy taxes, being beaten, I am sure they felt in constant danger for their family and themselves, plus they were no longer allowed to pray. They instead prayed in their hearts and tried to make the best of it. God did not release them from their trial but he did make it so that their burden was easy to bare. They still had to live with all those same struggles and they still felt the sting but God made it so they could do it everyday with His strengths. That is exactly how I feel and it feels my heart with gratitude that I don't have to do this alone.
I can still remember an amazing conversation we had in your infamous truck. We were discussing our childhood. All the ups and downs and challenge that came that we knew most didn't have to go through in their early years. I think that day could have been the day that my testimony really began. You were there telling me about how one day it just hit you. That for all that had happened to you in your childhood it was up to you to forgive. That the Atonement of Jesus Christ made it possible for you to be free of it all. You said you just had this feeling of relief that you could let it all go and move on with life. You didn't have to hate or be vengeful you could just live your life now and be happy. I remember being so awestruck that it was a choice you made and not some magnificent event where God made it all better just by chance. This was the day I really began to think and ponder about the Atonement and what it could do for me in my own life. While I have never had such a moment of yours I have felt the gift and power of the Atonement work continuously in my life. I have felt it slowly extract pain and anguish from my soul. Helped me forgive and even love those who I could easily choose to hate for a lifetime.
Here is another crossroads you were apart of. This one I consider incredibly significant because all that I am is because of my faith in Jesus Christ. I know there were many seeds of faith planted along the path of my life but this is one of the biggest changes I can remember. Where I actively chose to use the Atonement. That testimony would then go on the help me on several occasions in my life. Thanks for teaching me a lesson that is now saving me. I couldn't get through this without my faith. I know all will be well. This experience has brought new life into this Easter season. As I have suffered more sorrow than I ever have it has brought new understanding into my heart about what the Savior chose to do. There is a wonderful video here that shows the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. It isn't fancy or exciting it is very raw and plain with emotion. As I see him in pain I think I have felt more pain and despair than I thought anyone could handle but he went through more and he did it for everyone. I couldn't change my circumstances but he, however, didn't have to suffer at all if he chose not to. He did, though, and now because of that he understands. He can help. He can lift our burdens. I rejoice in someone who loved us enough to do this. I feel hope in God's plan because of it. I don't think I will ever fully understand the Atonement, in this life, but I testify that it is real. That it is available to all. It is already paid for we just need to make use of it.
Thank you for your lesson that has changed me for forever. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
I had an epiphany. Death sucks! I realized this morning why. The Atonement is beautiful and I feel so much peace, but now after going through all of this I realize that even with our promises from our Savior this is still hard. It makes the blackness and the hopelessness go away but there is still this sucking hole that sometimes "I feel like it is taking me".
I thought this morning that we we as humans are pretty much optimistic by nature. I remember even after all you went through you would continually, after hitting rock bottom, turn it around and convince yourself to get up and find something better. Nothing can keep us down forever. I figured out that this doesn't get better. No matter what low I hit you won't come back. No matter how much I cry your girls will still be without you. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! That is not something I could wrap my mind around before. I remember after Garrett died it really brought it home to all of us that we could have lost you two years before when you had your stroke. I remember thinking it is okay though we have the gospel it will be alright. We could get through it and we still will. It is just that I didn't realize that no matter what you still have to hurt, you still feel empty, you still feel desperate and sad...you are still gone. There is no remedy or fix. I didn't realize the two weren't related at all.
I know I am being helped and strengthened continuously. I know my Heavenly Father and Savior are always here. I know because otherwise I would let this black hole just take me. I wouldn't get out of bed or talk to anyone. I would just be an angry, resentful mess. The Atonement is beautiful. How much love that must have taken. I can't even imagine loving that deeply that I would willingly take on such pain for someone. It is a battle to handle the small amount I have right now. I know my pain is swallowed up in his, but I also know that we still have to feel some because we are meant to. I know I need to learn from this and grow. I knew there is purpose but sometimes it just feels downright wrong. Against how I thought everything was supposed to be in life.
My mind keeps flipping to a time in The Book of Mormon when the Nephites were taken into bondage by the Lamanites. Their burden became very heavy. Paying heavy taxes, being beaten, I am sure they felt in constant danger for their family and themselves, plus they were no longer allowed to pray. They instead prayed in their hearts and tried to make the best of it. God did not release them from their trial but he did make it so that their burden was easy to bare. They still had to live with all those same struggles and they still felt the sting but God made it so they could do it everyday with His strengths. That is exactly how I feel and it feels my heart with gratitude that I don't have to do this alone.
I can still remember an amazing conversation we had in your infamous truck. We were discussing our childhood. All the ups and downs and challenge that came that we knew most didn't have to go through in their early years. I think that day could have been the day that my testimony really began. You were there telling me about how one day it just hit you. That for all that had happened to you in your childhood it was up to you to forgive. That the Atonement of Jesus Christ made it possible for you to be free of it all. You said you just had this feeling of relief that you could let it all go and move on with life. You didn't have to hate or be vengeful you could just live your life now and be happy. I remember being so awestruck that it was a choice you made and not some magnificent event where God made it all better just by chance. This was the day I really began to think and ponder about the Atonement and what it could do for me in my own life. While I have never had such a moment of yours I have felt the gift and power of the Atonement work continuously in my life. I have felt it slowly extract pain and anguish from my soul. Helped me forgive and even love those who I could easily choose to hate for a lifetime.
Here is another crossroads you were apart of. This one I consider incredibly significant because all that I am is because of my faith in Jesus Christ. I know there were many seeds of faith planted along the path of my life but this is one of the biggest changes I can remember. Where I actively chose to use the Atonement. That testimony would then go on the help me on several occasions in my life. Thanks for teaching me a lesson that is now saving me. I couldn't get through this without my faith. I know all will be well. This experience has brought new life into this Easter season. As I have suffered more sorrow than I ever have it has brought new understanding into my heart about what the Savior chose to do. There is a wonderful video here that shows the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. It isn't fancy or exciting it is very raw and plain with emotion. As I see him in pain I think I have felt more pain and despair than I thought anyone could handle but he went through more and he did it for everyone. I couldn't change my circumstances but he, however, didn't have to suffer at all if he chose not to. He did, though, and now because of that he understands. He can help. He can lift our burdens. I rejoice in someone who loved us enough to do this. I feel hope in God's plan because of it. I don't think I will ever fully understand the Atonement, in this life, but I testify that it is real. That it is available to all. It is already paid for we just need to make use of it.
Thank you for your lesson that has changed me for forever. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Day 23
Macie and you working on our treat.
Dear Melynda,
Saturday is my least favorite day of the week. I don't know what it is but it always gets to me. Today being a rainy day really fits the mood but it only makes me feel worse. Here's to more sunny days.
We are preparing for our "Pizza Factory Movie Night". Titled by Kate. I remember being in Utah with you and we were preparing for a movie night at your house. It was Friday night and we were all ready to have fun. You had been working so hard in physical therapy all week, the girls had had lots of homework every night that week and lets face it with all my kids and that many people squeezed into your house we really needed to do something fun. I was in the room laying out blankets and pillows with Maya and Abbi while you and Macie worked on some sort of new treat to share with everyone. You were always good at coming up with new treats. I think that night you made up some yummy camel popcorn with a marsh mellow base so it was really chewy. You would always give me crap when we cooked together because I ALWAYS follow the directions and measure out everything. Where you on the other hand almost NEVER use directions or measure.
I remember watching all the kiddos settle in to watch the show. Popcorn in hand and excited look on their face as the show began. I remember us standing in the kitchen watching all those sweet little faces of ours and you saying, "I love rewarding my kids after a hard week of work." I have no idea why but I have never let that thought go. I have started similar rituals over the past year with my kids. Making a point to once a week do something they love. Usually it does revolve around a movie because, well, they really love movies. We have good food, if dad is home we blow up the air mattress, have a fun dinner, and pic a kid/adult friendly movie. It is tradition for us that began right in your home. Now we never have one of those nights without thinking of you.
I remember the last movie night I had with you this summer ended up on a Sunday. All my kids ended up sick and so we couldn't go to church. After a long day at home that night we curled up and watched "Pride and Prejudice". Of course the BBC one. Looking back it is one of the happiest memories I have. You were the first one who introduced me to them and I remember that night last July us smiling and laughing over Mr. Darcy and Lizzy just like we did the first time we watch it when I was fifteen. No the movie wasn't really for our kids. They only stuck around for the first video out of all five, but wow! it is a good last memory for me. I am grateful for all the traditions and things that brought us together. Thanks for making so many awesome memories and being such a profound part of my life. The more I have gone through this experience I can see every profound thing in my life that you have been apart of. I can take out each experience and say if you hadn't of been there my life would be very different. Thanks for being at so many crossroads. Some big some small but all incredibly important to who I have become. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Enjoying the show!
**Please feel free to leave a comment. I have been getting visitors from all over the world. I am intrigued by those of you who so diligently stop by to read a story about my sister. I know some of you know Melynda and some don't. Some visit because you are friends of mine and this is your first time stopping by. I think some may visit to be close to her or maybe to just understand. Either feel free to leave a note, message, or story to share with us all. Mel was a great lady and I love all of you who love her, too. Messages to me are just like getting a letter in the mail. It is like getting a present you didn't know was coming!
Day 22
Dear Melynda,
Saturday is my least favorite day of the week. I don't know what it is but it always gets to me. Today being a rainy day really fits the mood but it only makes me feel worse. Here's to more sunny days.
We are preparing for our "Pizza Factory Movie Night". Titled by Kate. I remember being in Utah with you and we were preparing for a movie night at your house. It was Friday night and we were all ready to have fun. You had been working so hard in physical therapy all week, the girls had had lots of homework every night that week and lets face it with all my kids and that many people squeezed into your house we really needed to do something fun. I was in the room laying out blankets and pillows with Maya and Macie while you and Abbi worked on some sort of new treat to share with everyone. You were always good at coming up with new treats. I think that night you made up some yummy camel popcorn with a marsh mellow base so it was really chewy. You would always give me crap when we cooked together because I ALWAYS follow the directions and measure out everything. Where you on the other hand almost NEVER use directions or measure.
I remember watching all the kiddos settle in to watch the show. Popcorn in hand and excited look on their face as the show began. I remember us standing in the kitchen watching all those sweet little faces of ours and you saying, "I love rewarding my kids after a hard week of work." I have no idea why but I have never let that thought go. I have started similar rituals over the past year with my kids. Making a point to once a week do something they love. Usually it does revolve around a movie because, well, they really love movies. We have good food, if dad is home we blow up the air mattress, have a fun dinner, and pic a kid/adult friendly movie. It is tradition for us that began right in your home. Now we never have one of those nights without thinking of you.
I remember the last movie night I had with you this summer ended up on a Sunday. All my kids ended up sick and so we couldn't go to church. After a long day at home that night we curled up and watched "Pride and Prejudice". Of course the BBC one. Looking back it is one of the happiest memories I have. You were the first one who introduced me to them and I remember that night last July us smiling and laughing over Mr. Darcy and Lizzy just like we did the first time we watch it when I was fifteen. No the movie wasn't really for our kids. They only stuck around for the first video out of all five, but wow! it is a good last memory for me. I am grateful for all the traditions and things that brought us together. Thanks for making so many awesome memories and being such a profound part of my life. The more I have gone through this experience I can see every profound thing in my life that you have been apart of. I can take out each experience and say if you hadn't of been there my life would be very different. Thanks for being at so many crossroads. Some big some small but all incredibly important to who I have become. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Saturday is my least favorite day of the week. I don't know what it is but it always gets to me. Today being a rainy day really fits the mood but it only makes me feel worse. Here's to more sunny days.
We are preparing for our "Pizza Factory Movie Night". Titled by Kate. I remember being in Utah with you and we were preparing for a movie night at your house. It was Friday night and we were all ready to have fun. You had been working so hard in physical therapy all week, the girls had had lots of homework every night that week and lets face it with all my kids and that many people squeezed into your house we really needed to do something fun. I was in the room laying out blankets and pillows with Maya and Macie while you and Abbi worked on some sort of new treat to share with everyone. You were always good at coming up with new treats. I think that night you made up some yummy camel popcorn with a marsh mellow base so it was really chewy. You would always give me crap when we cooked together because I ALWAYS follow the directions and measure out everything. Where you on the other hand almost NEVER use directions or measure.
I remember watching all the kiddos settle in to watch the show. Popcorn in hand and excited look on their face as the show began. I remember us standing in the kitchen watching all those sweet little faces of ours and you saying, "I love rewarding my kids after a hard week of work." I have no idea why but I have never let that thought go. I have started similar rituals over the past year with my kids. Making a point to once a week do something they love. Usually it does revolve around a movie because, well, they really love movies. We have good food, if dad is home we blow up the air mattress, have a fun dinner, and pic a kid/adult friendly movie. It is tradition for us that began right in your home. Now we never have one of those nights without thinking of you.
I remember the last movie night I had with you this summer ended up on a Sunday. All my kids ended up sick and so we couldn't go to church. After a long day at home that night we curled up and watched "Pride and Prejudice". Of course the BBC one. Looking back it is one of the happiest memories I have. You were the first one who introduced me to them and I remember that night last July us smiling and laughing over Mr. Darcy and Lizzy just like we did the first time we watch it when I was fifteen. No the movie wasn't really for our kids. They only stuck around for the first video out of all five, but wow! it is a good last memory for me. I am grateful for all the traditions and things that brought us together. Thanks for making so many awesome memories and being such a profound part of my life. The more I have gone through this experience I can see every profound thing in my life that you have been apart of. I can take out each experience and say if you hadn't of been there my life would be very different. Thanks for being at so many crossroads. Some big some small but all incredibly important to who I have become. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Friday, March 23, 2012
Day 21
Dear Melynda,
I think one of the best virtues I learned from you is self confidence. I was almost on the ground rolling the other day thinking about your old truck. Grandma tells the story about when you moved down there, to St. George, they gave you Grandpa's old truck. The one that you could hear from two or three blocks over coming down the street and was about fifteen years past its expiration date. You only lived about five blocks from the Dixie High School, so you would hope in your truck drive two blocks hop out and walk the rest of the way. Then, grandma says, each day you would park a little closer until finally you parked right in the parking lot with everybody else.
Then came my test. You came to live back in North Ogden for awhile after you graduated to help out. I was in junior high at the time and those image things are kind of a big deal. You dropped me off that morning without much attention. It is easy to get lost in all the traffic of the morning. Then you came to pick me up that afternoon. I remember standing there with my friends I could here you a block and a half away coming up by the cemetery. I remember you pulling into the drive and I just bent over laugh. I was not embarrassed at all. I remember looking into the window and seeing your big smile and a laugh on your lips. You and your truck made a big "I'm HERE!" statement. I just remember being so glad you were there, so glad you lived with us, so glad about all of it. I didn't care what anyone else thought. I was proud of you as my sister even if everyone else thought we were crazy.
This same principle came back later in life. I remember after your stroke I felt so betrayed. I felt like your body had just given up on you. It felt so unfair to see you all the sudden in a broken body. Now you had to endure a severe stutter, a wheel chair, and right side paralysis. I think the hardest thing was loosing that big smile. That was one of the hardest for me to watch. So many times when we were together having fun I would wait to see one of your big grins only to see half your face respond. It was always a reminder of what had been lost. You handled it with such grace. You pushed through it slowly just like you did with the truck. Ever so slowly inching closer and closer until you realized those who loved you would love you no matter what and the rest could fall by the wayside.
In a way I think you earned more respect and love because of your ability to handle your struggles so well. Just like me, you taught so many people that it really doesn't matter what others say. One of your greatest achievements was your ability to make friends and your greatest skill was kindness. Your laugh and happy smile would push away all those who looked upon you with doubt or uninterested. They would see you, hear you, and watch who you were and they would want to know you. This is something I hope is secretly tucked away in your girls minds. They have had a front row seat to all your greatest moments for the past decade. Plus I don't think it is something I can teach them. They are so lucky to have you as a mom. I am lucky to have you as my sister. All these memories bring me joy to look back on to help me continue to be who I want to be. Your example and your memory still lives with us. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
I think one of the best virtues I learned from you is self confidence. I was almost on the ground rolling the other day thinking about your old truck. Grandma tells the story about when you moved down there, to St. George, they gave you Grandpa's old truck. The one that you could hear from two or three blocks over coming down the street and was about fifteen years past its expiration date. You only lived about five blocks from the Dixie High School, so you would hope in your truck drive two blocks hop out and walk the rest of the way. Then, grandma says, each day you would park a little closer until finally you parked right in the parking lot with everybody else.
Then came my test. You came to live back in North Ogden for awhile after you graduated to help out. I was in junior high at the time and those image things are kind of a big deal. You dropped me off that morning without much attention. It is easy to get lost in all the traffic of the morning. Then you came to pick me up that afternoon. I remember standing there with my friends I could here you a block and a half away coming up by the cemetery. I remember you pulling into the drive and I just bent over laugh. I was not embarrassed at all. I remember looking into the window and seeing your big smile and a laugh on your lips. You and your truck made a big "I'm HERE!" statement. I just remember being so glad you were there, so glad you lived with us, so glad about all of it. I didn't care what anyone else thought. I was proud of you as my sister even if everyone else thought we were crazy.
This same principle came back later in life. I remember after your stroke I felt so betrayed. I felt like your body had just given up on you. It felt so unfair to see you all the sudden in a broken body. Now you had to endure a severe stutter, a wheel chair, and right side paralysis. I think the hardest thing was loosing that big smile. That was one of the hardest for me to watch. So many times when we were together having fun I would wait to see one of your big grins only to see half your face respond. It was always a reminder of what had been lost. You handled it with such grace. You pushed through it slowly just like you did with the truck. Ever so slowly inching closer and closer until you realized those who loved you would love you no matter what and the rest could fall by the wayside.
In a way I think you earned more respect and love because of your ability to handle your struggles so well. Just like me, you taught so many people that it really doesn't matter what others say. One of your greatest achievements was your ability to make friends and your greatest skill was kindness. Your laugh and happy smile would push away all those who looked upon you with doubt or uninterested. They would see you, hear you, and watch who you were and they would want to know you. This is something I hope is secretly tucked away in your girls minds. They have had a front row seat to all your greatest moments for the past decade. Plus I don't think it is something I can teach them. They are so lucky to have you as a mom. I am lucky to have you as my sister. All these memories bring me joy to look back on to help me continue to be who I want to be. Your example and your memory still lives with us. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
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