Day 24

Dear Melynda,

I had an epiphany. Death sucks! I realized this morning why. The Atonement is beautiful and I feel so much peace, but now after going through all of this I realize that even with our promises from our Savior this is still hard. It makes the blackness and the hopelessness go away but there is still this sucking hole that sometimes "I feel like it is taking me".
I thought this morning that we we as humans are pretty much optimistic by nature. I remember even after all you went through you would continually, after hitting rock bottom, turn it around and convince yourself to get up and find something better. Nothing can keep us down forever. I figured out that this doesn't get better. No matter what low I hit you won't come back. No matter how much I cry your girls will still be without you. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! That is not something I could wrap my mind around before. I remember after Garrett died it really brought it home to all of us that we could have lost you two years before when you had your stroke. I remember thinking it is okay though we have the gospel it will be alright. We could get through it and we still will. It is just that I didn't realize that no matter what you still have to hurt, you still feel empty, you still feel desperate and sad...you are still gone. There is no remedy or fix. I didn't realize the two weren't related at all.
I know I am being helped and strengthened continuously. I know my Heavenly Father and Savior are always here. I know because otherwise I would let this black hole just take me. I wouldn't get out of bed or talk to anyone. I would just be an angry, resentful mess. The Atonement is beautiful. How much love that must have taken. I can't even imagine loving that deeply that I would willingly take on such pain for someone. It is a battle to handle the small amount I have right now. I know my pain is swallowed up in his, but I also know that we still have to feel some because we are meant to. I know I need to learn from this and grow. I knew there is purpose but sometimes it just feels downright wrong. Against how I thought everything was supposed to be in life.
My mind keeps flipping to a time in The Book of Mormon when the Nephites were taken into bondage by the Lamanites. Their burden became very heavy. Paying heavy taxes, being beaten, I am sure they felt in constant danger for their family and themselves, plus they were no longer allowed to pray. They instead prayed in their hearts and tried to make the best of it. God did not release them from their trial but he did make it so that their burden was easy to bare. They still had to live with all those same struggles and they still felt the sting but God made it so they could do it everyday with His strengths. That is exactly how I feel and it feels my heart with gratitude that I don't have to do this alone.
I can still remember an amazing conversation we had in your infamous truck. We were discussing our childhood. All the ups and downs and challenge that came that we knew most didn't have to go through in their early years. I think that day could have been the day that my testimony really began. You were there telling me about how one day it just hit you. That for all that had happened to you in your childhood it was up to you to forgive. That the Atonement of Jesus Christ made it possible for you to be free of it all. You said you just had this feeling of relief that you could let it all go and move on with life. You didn't have to hate or be vengeful you could just live your life now and be happy. I remember being so awestruck that it was a choice you made and not some magnificent event where God made it all better just by chance. This was the day I really began to think and ponder about the Atonement and what it could do for me in my own life. While I have never had such a moment of yours I have felt the gift and power of the Atonement work continuously in my life. I have felt it slowly extract pain and anguish from my soul. Helped me forgive and even love those who I could easily choose to hate for a lifetime.
Here is another crossroads you were apart of. This one I consider incredibly significant because all that I am is because of my faith in Jesus Christ. I know there were many seeds of faith planted along the path of my life but this is one of the biggest changes I can remember. Where I actively chose to use the Atonement. That testimony would then go on the help me on several occasions in my life. Thanks for teaching me a lesson that is now saving me. I couldn't get through this without my faith. I know all will be well. This experience has brought new life into this Easter season. As I have suffered more sorrow than I ever have it has brought new understanding into my heart about what the Savior chose to do. There is a wonderful video here that shows the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. It isn't fancy or exciting it is very raw and plain with emotion. As I see him in pain I think I have felt more pain and despair than I thought anyone could handle but he went through more and he did it for everyone. I couldn't change my circumstances but he, however, didn't have to suffer at all if he chose not to. He did, though, and now because of that he understands. He can help. He can lift our burdens. I rejoice in someone who loved us enough to do this. I feel hope in God's plan because of it. I don't think I will ever fully understand the Atonement, in this life, but I testify that it is real. That it is available to all. It is already paid for we just need to make use of it.
Thank you for your lesson that has changed me for forever. I miss you. I love you!

Love, Lar