Day 12

Dear Melynda,

I think the greatest challenge we ever faced in our relationship was me growing up. When I was younger I gladly let you assume the mother roll. You cared for me and gave me advice. In some of my most desperate and hardest times I knew I could always confide in you. When I was going to junior high and high school in Northern Utah I would often become so homesick for you I would be shipped down to spend the weekend with you and Dave whenever possible. I would always come back feeling better about life in general. I can't say I remember any grandiose reception I just remember being with you, being loved and cared about, being trusted, and having lots of fun. When we were with you you and Dave's life pretty much revolved around me, Cameron, and Jay.
Then I got older, I got married, and had children. This was so hard. I actually think it is probably similar to what most mother and daughters go through in their own relationships but it was more complicated because our wasn't legitimate. It was just something we had made up and made do with all our lives. I remember one day you and I having a disagreement. Afterward I fiercely apologized but I knew that you were still upset. Well we did what all sister do when the fight and we didn't talk to each other for half the day. I was frustrated because I didn't want it to be that way between us. The big moment for me came when you came to me later wrapped your arms around me in a big hug and said, "I am sorry! I should have accepted your apology the moment you said it." I then went on to say that it was my fault and I am sorry again and again. I just remember that feeling of elation. It was the first time I had felt like you spoke to me not just as a little sister/daughter but as an equal. Like we had both finally come to a point in our lives where we were on the same page wife, mother, adults. So that day in Grandma's driveway the day I felt like you began to see me differently.
Thinking of this argument today not only brought back memories of that day in a good light but also the fact that I wasted half of that precious day fighting with you. Today has also become a day of regret. I am not above regret. I used to believe in the saying, "live without regret". Now I realize not only is that impossible but it also, in my opinion, can come with a feeling of arrogance. I live with regrets because I have made mistakes in my life. There are things I wish I had done differently. I wish I would have called more. Made you answer your phone just so you could tell me to stop calling. I wish I would have hugged you tighter that last time I saw you and made it a memorable good bye. I wish I would have understood your trials better. I wish I would have caught your zest and love for creating. Which I now feeling you are showering down on me each day. I wish I would have written down all you marvelous recipes, especially the ones you created. Now it burns inside every time I want to make something of yours but I can't call ask you for it. I wish I would have never said a word that brought you pain or made you feel less than you are. But I have done all those things and so I live with regret. I do realize that living without regret is impossible. Did I know you were going to die?..No! Did I think you had forever to teach me to sew and create and love it as much as you did?...Yes! Did I honestly believe I had a life time to learn all you secret recipes and cook just like you?...Yes! I honestly believed that we would be two old ladies with houses right next door to each other sitting in our rocking chairs talking about all our neighbors and "kids these days". I expected to have days and days of sewing quilts and cooking all of Grandma Rousell's and Grandma Smith's recipes. I think we had even agreed to do all those things. We had hoped that after spending all these years living on opposite sides of the continent that we would get houses right next to each other. We had decided if we had a life time of our hubbies moving us around. We would choose where we ended up...a very well though out argument, if they did protest, I thought.
What I do hope, and what I think you would want, is that I have learned to take advantage of the moments I am given. I do my best to relish my most important relationships and people. I know that you are...probably....not the last loved who will slip away before I do so I am trying to learn from my regrets. I am trying to cherish what I have and giving space and time to what I will miss most should that person be gone soon.
My heat squeezes at that phrase, "miss most". As I am trying to desperately discern, remember, and pull every memory of you from my mind so I can freeze it forever in words. I am learning not only that it is ginormous task but that it can't all be put to words. I can't say all I miss because so much of it is intangible. I didn't know that the mere fact of you not existing in this world would bring so much pain. That leaves everything else out. Just that idea hurts so much. With that in mind I realize I won't ever be done recording your memories because so many I can't recount in words completely or they may take time to do. I do know that you were a great person and a great sister. I feel lucky to have someone to look up to. I feel blessed that you left this life with a testimony of Jesus Christ. It brings so much peace. I know I will see you again. What a day that will be. I can't wait to see you run. That gives us all hope and something to look forward to. I miss you. I love you!

Love, Lar