Day 17

Dear Melynda,

I don't really have a story today. I just have this sad residing feeling inside of me that I miss you. I am sad for myself and I am sad for all the others who miss you, too. I know I didn't love you the most, loved you a lot, but there were others whose sorrow is deeper. Whose hole is emptier. I sorrow for it all. Tonight I just have a constant ache that has taken hold in my chest and my eyes feel a pressure that won't let go. Mostly though it is in my spirit that I feels it. A deep heaviness. I am coming to visit you in Utah for your birthday, but I won't see your smile or hear your laugh. I won't be able to lay in your bed all night long as we discuss and dissect all aspects of life...or just laugh a lot.
I just thought of one of my favorite memories: David and Chris would play video games until the wee hours of the morning when you were in Hurricane. You and I would hang out, talk, scrapbook, and eventually just go climb in your bed. Resigning ourselves to the fact that they were in another world "saving the universe" and that we should just enjoy our selves while they are away. We would talk and talk and talk until one of us would be mid sentence and fall asleep. That is how we would stay until we were rustled awake by one of them apologetically telling us they were done. I would mumble a confused "goodnight" and we would leave our ritual until next time Star Wars beckoned them.
Flip to a few years later to this summer. You had slept in that morning so after David left I shyly cracked the door to see if you were okay. You said "ya come in". I walked right in and made my way right over to your bed and laid right by you and we fell right back into our old selves. Laying there chatting, laughing, and just having fun together. I was surprised by how comfortable I fell right back into and by how much I had missed it. It was one of my favorite places. Plus it was one of the softest beds I have ever laid in and I made a point to tell you so every time I was there.
When I think back to some of our most private and special conversation many took place laying right there on those pillows. I really yearn to just crawl back in your soft bed and talk over all the cares of the world. Back to easier times when things were clearer to me.
I know that is not why we are here. While I do wish to carry on our amazing traditions and I feel incredibly cheated for everything that has been taken away I don't wish you back. There is not one ounce of me that doesn't knows you are in a good place. There is not one part of me that doubts that you, me, all of us are in Heavenly Father's hands. He cares for us and he keeps us. I know he will help us. His ways are not mine. His are so much more eternally focused and I am grateful for that. I rejoice that after the trials of this life we may resume all these fond rituals and traditions and I am sure we will have time to make more. I miss you. I love you!

Love, Lar