Day 15

Dear Melynda,

Today I am feeling a little differently than usual. Tonight I was reading in a book about grieving siblings (I hate just thinking those words) and I came across this paragraph:

Because siblings are united by a common bond forged in childhood, we live with the expectation that we'll somehow always be together as we journey through life. Oh, we may divert from the common family path from time to time to pursue our own callings, but only our brothers and sisters know the way back to that original road where, together, we began our odyssey. In an uncertain world that is ever changing, chances are that your brother or sister has been a constant in your life, all your life. Losing a sibling, then, destroys the illusion of permanence in a more profound way than most other deaths....we assume our siblings will grow old alongside us. Naturally we feel abandoned when this assumption is decimated by death. (T.J. Wray)

Sometime it is hard. I feel like so many people have more a of right to be on the "sad train" that I just don't know where I fit in and why I feel this way. Tonight I was reading along and this paragraph just stuck out to me like FINALLY it makes sense.

In regards to that it brings me to a memory that has been playing over and over in my mind. Unfortunately me, Cam, Jay, and Chad have all bonded in a new way. That also includes all their spouses who, also, feel so close to you, too. We have had to rely on each other and hold one another up in a way we never wanted to and sometimes we feel like beating you up for it. None the less this is life and we have to keep going. I really started noticing this new way of bonding when you were first in the hospital and we were constantly calling each other. There were many conversation where little to no word were said. It was just comforting to having someone on the other end who you knew understood.
One of the best memories I have taken home from Utah was not with you directly but about you. The day after you died we all went to dad's house and spent the weekend there to work on arrangements and just be together. Before I left for Utah I somehow had enough of my whits together to gather as many pictures of you that I had. I frantically searched and packed all I could find. That night when everyone had started gathering in the living room, like we always do, I cracked out a stack of photos and started passing them around. It was like bees to honey and it was heaven for just a moment. We mostly laughed, we cried a little, but we all savored each memory and the love that came along with it. It was so neat to see all of us sitting around telling story after story of each picture. It helped us remember what we loved about you and it reminded us of what we would miss. That unsettling finality of it all was beginning to settle in but we had an army to battle it with. We had each other.

In my happy, little mind I imagine you being there laughing, consoling, and enjoying the time together with us, too. We all "started this odyssey" together and I don't think, even now, you are going to leave us behind. Be with us when you can. Give us guidance and strength when we need it and remember we all love you. I miss you. I love you!

Love, Lar