Day 20

Dear Mel,

I have something to say to you and I am just praying that I can say it in the right way. Tonight I was walking Carter up to his bed. I hold my kids a little closer each day. I have realized I have a new worry for dying. My soul has become awakened to how temporary our body is. While I do not fear death I do fear all the heart ache it would leave in its wake. So I was thinking of you as I walked him upstairs. I was thinking of the past year of your life, then the past two before that, and the stark contrast that those, almost, three years, had on your life. I know it is a natural things to take about those who have passed and memorialize them as perfect but I have realized I can't do that with you. Unfortunately I am your sister, we have had our squabbles, and I have known you for my whole life. I know you aren't perfect, I know you have made a wrong choice, and I know that you do have your weaknesses.
Now before you go and give me your eye, piercing stare I want you to know that these are the memories I love about you. You are amazing you always have been. You have always had a keen sense of optimism. You have always been able to laugh things out, but I also know of times that it hasn't been so easy. When you haven't wanted to. When you have had to fall back on your choices, and not just your natural abilities, and decide who you wanted to be.

That is why the last three years of your life were remarkable. You had been through the ringer before but nothing compared to these last three years. That is what I remember. I remember it becoming hard, and then harder. Then I remember when I left town for the first time after your stroke saying to Dave, "It can't get any worse from here." He said, "Don't say that! You don't know". Then you had a second mini stroke and lost your speech. I remember coming back again to help a couple weeks later. On one particularly special night I remember a long conversation between the two of us, which you weren't even able to finish because it became too hard to speak, where you stated your discouragement. You laid all your questions and frustrations out there. I was so worried, and so heart broken. Then the amazing happened as it often does with you. You made a choice. You knew you had one. You could either wither in bed and become bitter and alone or you could do something about it.

You worked SO hard! You put everything you had into. I remember some days picking you up from rehab and you being so hurt and tired but you kept on going. I really feel like you almost completely became a whole new person in a lot of ways.
That is what I am going to teach your girls. Heck ya! you had weaknesses and so will they, but we all have a choice. Look what God made because you let him. Look at all the good you did because you were willing to do it. I know you can't possibly comprehend all the good you have done but let me tell you some times it is overwhelming to us because of all the love people show for you. You have changed lives.
So no. I am not ready to die. I still haven't mastered that one step. I do have a lot of faults but I am not as willing to say "go ahead and do what you will and I will make the best of it".
I do aspire to be like my big sister. I am grateful to have a sister that I can trust in and look up to. I know you have tried so hard to follow the Savior's example. Thank you for not being perfect, but also thank you for being brave enough to make all those imperfections the best they can be. I know it took so much courage and strength. I know you have "a reservoir of strength that has not been tapped". I miss you. I love you!

Love, Lar